Mr. e-life

Réveillon 2012

2012-01-01T06:17:00.000-08:00

Réveillon 2012

Wesley

2010-11-20T03:45:00.000-08:00

Hi guys, remember Wesley?

Yesterday I called him. More than a year later. And I didn't even mention his disappearance. It was just a normal conversation, as if nothing had happened. Half an hour later on, he mentioned that he knew he had disappeared, and that it was his fault. But I was not interested in that... I know what happened. He prefered to be friends with a couple of sadistic idiots than to me. His loss...

About Eric, we are going through a rocky phase (just now? Really Adam?). He is so obviously uninterested (sexually), that it's out in the open. We talked last night and he aknowledges that it's been very difficult to him, that guilt and shame have been too hard for him, and that he does not know how to spare me from his own internal battles. I think, actually, that, even though it's very hard, and makes me feel awful, that it comes from love... And that he's been fighting hard. And that for now, it's been forbearable enough for me to stay...

lonely

2010-11-19T02:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have been debating wether or not to take that chocolate that's been lying in my bag, but I will. I am entitled to, aren't I?

After all, sometimes a huge thing that seems to be a great idea, that will make everything good again, just can't keep that much of a promisse. And that seems to be the case of my new apartment. I was under the dellusion that having my own place would make my closeted-boyfriend (that has got no parental respect or privacy in his own house) satisfied. And I guess such a fantasy may have been much larger in his own head.

So he may be disappointed, or something like that... But he is completely drawn back. I don't believe that he's fallen back on the train to his internet sex addiction, but he's cold, sexually uninterested, and he's been almost every night attending to family affairs. Sometimes even when not requested to. And he stays there for longer than I can wait him up (WHEN he comes back). And wakes up "in a hurry".

So this last couple of weeks I have been just dealing with that. And the last few days I have been dealing with actual loneliness.

Lucky me (I guess) I am in a new environment, so I have many options to take my saddened self and walk around, getting to know the neighborhood... So it gets a little bit better.

chihuahua

2010-11-11T02:33:00.000-08:00

So, some weird coincidences have been happening, regarding chewbacca...

The day we got it, as we were on the road trip back, Eric's father let Eric's dog scape (he had a mongrel, that he had adopted directly from the streets).

And today Phil sent me an email telling that Antubis the cat has just died...

I don't know what to think, except that it's too much to be coincidental!

The Project Happiness

2010-11-11T02:12:00.000-08:00

Hello, friends!

I've been reading the gift Marie (bestwishesmarie.blogspot.com) has sent me, "The Happiness Project", from Gretchen Rubin, and it's great! I try to read it at every chance I've got.

But back to real life... Have I already told you that I and Eric have gotten a chihuahua? As a donation, actually! We've visited a kennel in a city nearby (actually, we've visited many kennels in cities nearby and far, but the dogs were always either too big, or out of the breed official pattern, with small head, non pronounced stop...).

Chewbacca (or chewbie, the nickname of Romeo) was one of the kennel's best shaped dog, but he just didn't have interest in the females, he'd rather be intimate with other males... So I suggested the owner that although he was not a puppy anymore (2 yo), we really liked him. So she gave it to us!

I gotta go now, but I'll tell you more later!

Kitchen cabinet

2010-11-08T01:44:00.000-08:00

Good morning guys!

I'm still internetless, so I'm posting via my city hall computer (where I don't have access to the blogosphere, or even my hotmail, so I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with the comments nor your blogs!)

So, this weekend was kind of fun.

There was a cultural marathon in my town (a very big public/private initiative, that brought here tens of simultaneous attractions throughout the weekend, from concerts to djs and exhibits, all free, all opened to the public). I've been to four concerts from people that I ordinarily wouldn't, like the king of the sixties music in my country (our Elvis, equally created by the regimen, a military one, in our case, but other than that, harmless, and even kitsch), an alternative group, a samba singer and a pop-soul singer.

I was exhausted at the end, but I still gathered all my strengths to put together the kitchen cabinet that I told you about in the previous post. It came without the instructions or even many of the wholes it was supposed to have, but I just didn't have the patience to call the store again and ask for the already paid for service.

And I made it! I was very proud of myself. And apparently so was Eric, if you know what I mean.

A non-update post

2010-11-05T02:50:00.000-07:00

Lately all I have been posting are updates (and not all that often, I know, I know), so I decided just to tell a fact today.

I bought a sink to my new and beloved apartment, to be delivered wednesday. As I have nobody available to sit in a tv-less and internet-less apartment all day waiting, I took the afternoon off.

So I did take it to ship the refrigerator, couch, and a few other items to my new place, and waited. And then I waited some more, while I organized the place. And then... a little more waiting.

So I called the manager and he told me that I'd have to wait until the next day, for my sink didn't fit in that day truckload.

I couldn't even begin to grasp the concept that for their lack of organization I'd have to miss another day of work. So I asked for them to deliver it after 6 o'clock. And they said that they were very sorry, but that they couldn't!

I was almost enfuriated!

So I called again the next day to undo the deal. And they said that they couldn't. Then I decided to bully back, and asked if I had to talk to my lawyer.

One hour later it was being delivered...

New post! wooohooooo!!!

2010-10-28T03:11:00.000-07:00

Hello, guys!

I know I've been a bad, bad boy to leave you without a note, but I have been working through some very personal stuff, and I just didn't get the energy to write. Actually, it was worse, it was like I had a strong energy blocking me from writing.

And it still exists.

But I have a day off today, so I thought I might start it with a post.

The biggest new is that I've been buying a house. It's an apartment, actually, but it's on the first floor and all the surrounding area is private to it, so I get to have a backyard, where I can have a dog, and have some plants. It's an small apartment, but I'm so glad to finally have a place of my own.

At work, it's been just ridiculous. I accepted my boss' proposition to work full time at city hall. And this has caused a series of consequences. As I'm a medical doctor, doubling my base salary has made me earn more than she does. And she seems to have became extremely resentful at that. So she decided to cancel all the extra hours I had worked (and it had been a lot, really a lot), and she's been assigning me many "impossible missions", some at a Miranda Priestley style (the devil from the devil wears prada).

I haven't been going to the gym (but plan on going as soon as the house deals close)

I have still been going to therapy, weekly, with my argentinian therapist, and it's been helping me, but there's so, so, so much to go!

Eric... Where should I start... Well, I found out something about him that was almost devastating to the relationship, but he's been working on that and so have I. At least now I understand what made it so difficult for him to be with me. Why he fought against something that he demonstrated to believe was good for him. And I guess I had nothing to do with that, it was, as a matter of fact, his issue. His issue for HIM to deal with it.

So, guys, I hope I can be in touch with you more often.

PS: I got a great gift from Marie (bestwishesmarie.blogspot.com), she mailed me a box ("zee box") with a very fashionable bag, two great books (I've already been reading "the happiness project", and it's really inspirational, and the next one is "why french women don't get fat"), a Madonna's CD (recommending a track) and a nice letter. Thanks Marie!

There! I finally exploded!

2010-08-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to see Eric tonight, and he called to tell me that he would go to a friend's house first, that we could see each other at 9 o'clock.

I agreed, for there were no other option, was there?

But then 9 came... ten minutes later he texted me saying that he was about to leave...

I was busy commenting Marie's posts, so I didn't even notice the time pass, but when I saw 50 more minutes had passed, I just exploded, and texted him (observe that it's not usual for me to do so, specially using curse words):

"Fuck. You said you were almost leaving fifty minutes ago!!! The least I expect is respect. Some consideration."

And I don't even regret sending it.

It was ten minutes ago and no answer yet. Let's see.

And there is also the sex issue...

2010-08-09T17:12:00.000-07:00

I posted a question at a gay friendship networking site (connexion.org) and I think it generated a very interesting series of thoughts. I thought you guys might be interested in reading it (I apologize in advance for some of the language in advance).

My question:

Hey guys, I've been in a great relationship for six months now, but we have sex issues... Advices?
He's a bottom and likes his men to be very macho. I'm versatile, and I'm more romantic, considerate and caring than he thinks a "real man" should be... Do you think we'll adapt to each other or that's a deal breaker? Please, I don't know what to do...

The answers:

- I don't know that's a hard one. I like passionate sex and sometimes I want it rough. Sex to me in a relationship, is finding that mix you both can enjoy. But in most relationship if can't find that it want work.

- I really hate the word 'compromise' but I don't see much alternative for you guys, one of you has to give in order for you both to enjoy sex. Either you gotta butch it up for him, or he's got accept that you're more of an intimacy guy.

- alternating sex styles would be compromising

- agreed

- I agree with the last two guys. Try it and if does not work then go back to being yourself. Can a macho man be romantic ?

- Be willing to try new things and see where things go. Who knows, you both may discover new aspects about sex that drive you wild. If not, at least you gave things a try and you guys can part ways amicably.

- You only have been for 6 Mons and there were already an Issue on Sex, I don't think he was into you because he likes you nor love you I guess, but mainly for SEX. I agree with everybody below, Sex Experimentation, Style, Positioning but Does Sex contemplate to the totality of long and Lasting Relationship? it is an additive, a spices but it does not constitute alone. You might wanna discus the real score of that to him and I am pretty sure there is more than SEX alone the issue between the 2 of you. Good Luck!!!

- i'm thinking a great relationship is better than none.maybe a counselour might help if both parties are willing.

- Is it possible to see a counselor, one who is familiar with gay male issues, who can help you to sort through this 'objectively'? I don't know, to be honest. I want this to work out for you, G, but something says you'll have to do a lot of work for it to work--and that work might be erasing your identity, and that you should not do. Be well.

- "I'm versatile, and I'm more romantic, considerate and caring than he thinks a "real man" should be..."
Just for fun, you should roof him, tie him up, pound him till he can't walk right then ask him if that was "real" enough for him.
Short of that, tell him he is free to leave and go try his luck elsewhere.
Give him an ultimatum and if he fails to respond, tell him

- "he does not accept very well the gayness in him."
He will take a dick but does not accept his own gayness?
I can only see this going downhill from here.

- Adam, the answer to your question is this: DUMP THIS FUCKER RIGHT AWAY.
He obviously does not know what a "real man" is and has trouble accepting his own gayness as he is not out yet.
It is 2010 and the only reason to not be out is if you are in the military or you are a coward.
You seem to have your stuff together (with the exception of dating this OBVIOUS loser) and you deserve someone who will give you the emotional and sexual fulfillment you deserve.

- Fuck him like as if he were a slut.

- No remorse over what he wants, just make it hurt.

- I think that if it's bothering you, you should tell him. There always needs to be a good dialogue between you two.
But then again I'm single so what do I know =D

- people can adapt it just depends if he's worth it or not.

- I'd mix it up with some role playing scenes. I don't think it's a deal breaker, but you guys just need to figure out how to satisfy each others fantasies. Maybe try dressing up as a police officer for him. Possibly, he can prepare you a romantic dinner for two?

- I think the critical factor is that he is not out. I am sniffing self-hatred.

- This is going to lead to resentment on your part. Already has obviously. Talk about it and figure it out. That is the only thing you can do.

- You could go with the advice of Dan Savage, an advocate for open relationships in some form. If sex and only sex is what makes you drift, then introduce someone else if you are willing.
Or, you could go with the advice of Jack Black:

- Oooo a closet case bottom! My favorite! That's the guys that at the end of the gay write in their Hello-Kitty-diary-with-a-golden-locket, "Dear diary, my boyfriend is not man enough. Today, he heard Bad Romance on the radio and didn't spit on the floor, grabbing his balls in disgust. I heart uniforms."
Solution: Every time your boyfriend complains about ANYTHING, just say, "Zip it, bitch. I am sick of your nag-nag-nag. If you really need to open your mouth, put it to good use." Say the last part pointing at your crotch with both hands. There you go, problem solved.
Adam, in the long run it really sucks to have to be your boyfriends secret fantasy. You really are a human being, I am not sure you want to be treated as a thing.

- I agree with Scott on this one, you can't just sit and let it go. After time of bottling up who you really are and how you really feel about sex, you're going to lose it at some point.
If you can't communicate openly in a relationship about EVERYTHING, you don't have a shot at making it work in the long run. Talk about the issues now and see if you can overcome them, if you can't make it work now, then farther down the road when you guys get more set in your ways and roles in the relationship, things are going to be even more difficult...
I wish you the best of luck in any decision that you make...

- I don't think it's a sex issue, more like a compatibility/chemistry issue. Sounds like you both are looking for different things. You need to communicate your needs and expectations and hear his as well if you want it to work out.

- Adam, I think you have a bigger problem than just figuring out how to compromise on sex. If he has not come to terms with being gay himself, and resents people who are in the least bit overtly gay then he may never be comfortable in his own skin. If he can't be happy with himself, and resents or fears his own sexuality, then how can he ever be happy with you? He really does need to deal with that through counseling, and you guys could benefit from counseling as a couple, as others have suggested.If you two are solid, you can get through it together, but you both have a lot of work to do.

- give him my number!
but seriously, give it a try. who knows, you might actually surprise yourself. then after sex is over you can be as romantical as you like; that usually goes over well.

- That shouldn't ever be a deal breaker. It really comes down to a bit of role play. Do some research, have fun with it! Even if it feels a little awkward for you and may seem silly to be overly "macho", if it gets him going, it will get you going in return.
At the same time, he does need to be willing to be romantic sometimes. Relationships are all about give and take and making compromises for the person you care about. Don't be afraid to talk these things out. Communication is the key to an awesome relationship and great sex! Have fun and be safe!

- It's a challenging situation, and the advice below I tend to agree with. His lack of outness is a problem in my view, and if he's not willing to work through this with you, then it might be time to part ways. However, I think that this gives you both an opportunity to explore areas of your sexuality that normally you wouldn't think of exploring. As David rightly put - Communicate!
Best of luck!

- Well the first thing to do is TALK to him. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, be honest and open.

- There's a really macho way to be romantic and considerate. You have to tap into your inner butch, lol. And he has to accept the more nurturing aspects of you.
This is one of the reason I am very hesitant to date vers guys though. I am a total bottom (but not passive), and I feel self-conscious that there may be an aspect of a vers partners sexual needs that I would be simply unable to fulfill.

- Tie his ass up and show him you're a true man (or true manhood lol). Haha but in all seriousness have you ever sat down and talked about it? Maybe you guys just need to understand eachother on the same level.

- No offense, but he sounds like a bitch... If he doesnt want romance from you, and wants a raw fuck, he will probably cheat on you.

- i thinks its a problem...you should be asking him if its a deal breaker or not.

- If the problem is just in the bedroom, I don't see any reason you can't compromise and work through it. If it extends to other, arguably more important aspects of the relationship, you might need to re-evaluate.

- "" I think that most problems come from the fact that my bf, even though he says he likes being gay, he behaves as if he hates it. He despises any demonstration of gayness (which he thinks to be effeminate), specially public ones. ""
There is your answer. the last thing you need is a self-hating closet case. I suggest you remain his friend, but seek a relationship elsewhere. Explain to him that you want to be able to be fee and honest w/ your life and your relationships. Let him know that you're not ashamed to be gay and have no problem telling the world. And maybe, when he's ready to get a bit more comfortable with it, maybe you'll still be around.

- he has too much to learn about himself before he'll ever be happy with you, or anyone else for that matter.
it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his issues with being gay. best of luck, but i do think he may need some time to find out who he is without a man.

- At the end of the day Adam, sex should be enjoyed by both involved. And from what I'm reading it seem he's not ready to accept himself for who he is, therefore I can't see how he can enjoy sex with anyone at this time. You would be better off finding someone who enjoys love making just as much as you.
Best of luck, my friend.

- Compatibility is important. You won't adapt. Deal breaker.

So, that was it... Many gay guys think Eric is a loser, and I should ran from him as the devil from the cross. Other think that there's a chance if we increase the communication or if both compromise...

I made my decision, as I've said in the previous post, but I decided to post this long conversation, for it helped me decide. And, more importantly, it helped me see that if the pendulum breaks to the back-to-the-closet side, it's not my fault. It will just be Eric behaving like a loser.

I decided

2010-08-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, I decided.

But firstly, it's been so long since I last wrote, that I feel that I should update you guys on the facts.

- At work, I've been having lots to do, specially since I joined two very big projects, one involving going out one night a week to work with homeless people (specially under age drug addicts) and the other involving lots of work, study and projects. I am so needed that I'll probably double my work schedule there. And I am very excited about it all. I think it gives me some sense of purpose.

- I've been out of town for a week, to a beach resort, with my mother, Henry, his wife and my niece (I'll tell you all about later it in a separate post), but I can tell you already that it was very good, but had many dreadful moments.

- The belly couple have been in Europe for three weeks, and have already been back.

- With Eric not much has changed. The patterns keep repeating themselves. The better the weekend, the more retracted he gets monday, loosing up gradually from them. The closer we get to "domestic bliss", the more he reacts later, "needing his space" or sabotaging the relationship somehow. It's just like a pendulum.

- yes, that makes me feel insecure, undesirable, sad. On the other hand, the good moments are great. He gets along great with my family, he is fun, honest, loyal and when the pendulum goes to the gay-and-comfortable-about-it extreme, we have a real good time together.

- I haven't been very blogospheric lately, nor have I been much to the gym (though I try and run at the park in front of my mother's house).

- My grandmother situation has aggravated.

- I haven't been to therapy for the past three weeks (one of those I was out of town, and the other two, the therapist was out), but we have dealt with some very intense topics, like my relationship to my father.

Well, that's enough updating, and I made a decision. Regarding Eric. I will wait. Please don't judge me. I too don't understand why I'll wait for the ball of the pendulum to scape from its string. And I just know that sooner or later it will. I just don't know wether it will happen at the gay-pride extreme or at the closet-basket-case one.

And I feel about both possibilities. Maybe because I really long for closure. Whatever it is...

Psychoanalysis

2010-07-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

Hey Marie, hey guys.

I'm just back from my first psychoanalysis session.

I have been ambivalent about starting those, but I acknowledge I do have issues. And they have been bugging me a lot.

I guess you guys know more about me and my life than my analyst does, but I tried to be thorough with him… I told him my story, especially since the so-called “rocky start” of my blogging period (and I told him about the blog as well, he demonstrated to be interested). I told him about so much, I told him about work, about Phil, about the Belly Couple, about their cats, about Eric, about the Justice moral harassment,about my father and mother... But it was mainly about me and some behaviors I have.

And I cried (more than I think I should), it was very difficult to put all that into words.

But I don’t know… It’s too soon to judge the work, but I guess I had a fantasy of something more, I don’t know, magical, I guess. And, at the same time, I was very moved. It’s just that

And I am a little concerned on the cost as well… It’s too expensive, but he says we can negotiate it.

Oh, I’m so confused… Eric just called to ask how it was, and it was nice of him, but I don’t know… I guess his ambivalent behavior is gradually tiring me…

Sorry about the confused post, but I’m just feeling that way. I hope I can write back soon in a better mood.

Update on friends

2010-06-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

Let me update you also on my friends.

I have been seeing John a little more often now (like twice a month), and I guess that the "time off" has been good for us. Now, when he talks about someone he met, he does not tell about the fantastic time they had together, and how good the guy was in bed, or how big he was... He even told about this guy (and not guyS anymore) that they didn't even kiss yet. I guess he's trying to be moderate on the lies.

Ty is gone for good, apparently. Neither of us is interested in nurturing the friendship anymore. I invited him to my birthday, but he was very childish about it. He confirmed (more than once) that he'd be there, I even texted him at the moment, and he just ignored it. A few days later, I asked what happened, and he demonstrated that he couldn't care enough even to come up with a good excuse.

Eric brought along a strong circle of friends. One of which I knew before.

One of them was a fantastic girl, very caring, and funny and diva-like in her ways. I've know her before, and I already felt a strong connection with her, but, a few years ago, when she saw me with Phil (my ex), she got so disappointed with me that she cut me off completely. She now tells me that she was so disappointed to see me with him, because she thought that if we were together, it was because I was like him. And she really doesn't care for him.

There's a straight couple that's very close to him as well. And I get along greatly with them. She is a very nice person to talk to, she knows so much from so many topics, from cooking to movies, even though she demonstrates so much irritation, from time to time. The guy is very fun to be with and very accepting (more than she is, actually).

I think I told you about the guy who used to date the guy that Phil cheated me with, right? Well, he's back in the scene (the betrayed bf, not the evil husband stealer), and that's very nice, for he's a great guy, he is fun to be around and he demonstrates to like our company very much.

So, I guess I have a great circle around me, and I'm greatful for that.

There are also some other friends around, some great and some, well, not so much, but I'll tell you all about them in time.

Another weekly update

2010-06-16T05:41:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, how have you been doing?

I'm very glad that I was invited to teach a postgrad course (4 classes this month) and to lecture at a congress. And I've even gave a radio interview, about use of alcohol among teenagers.

So I have been using lots of time to prepare myself and I kind of been giving myself some slack on the gym. But it's OK, I know I can make it up for myself later.

This weekend was special, me and Eric had some us time. I cooked him a salmon and blue cheese lasagna (just perfect) and we opened up a veuve clicquot champagne that I was given by a patient. It was great, we had lots of fun, specially because we had spent the whole Saturday doing some housechores together. We are redecorating some of the rooms in his house. I have never used the drill so much in my entire life, ehehehhe.

Anyway, Sunday night we were both exhausted and got a little short tempered, but nothing that would seriously compromise the moment.

Tuesday, on the other hand, we went to a friend's house and he was very, very distant (I believed that was partly because they have a group dynamic that values the status quo; actually, the "being single together" status quo).

Back to his house at night, though, he told me that his therapy, at least the last few sessions, have been very moving, and that he's been feeling very, very shaken.

Which is good, but while he does not solve his questions, it seems like got left with some hard times ahead.

Well, at least he feels like working it out, which is more than I can say for most men.

weekly update

2010-05-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

So I was single this week, ehehehe... no, no, just kidding, it was just that Eric was on a business trip.

And I was very uncomfortable about how uneasy that was being on me. I mean, why should it be difficult? He was working, after all... And then it hit me. I still have some heavy luggage from my previous relationship.

I was absolutely not like that before. I would be very happy if Phil gained a trip, even if work-related. But all that happened made me quite insecure. I decided, then, to use that realization on my favor, and I believe it was the best choice I could have made.

It was still difficult, but at least I knew why (and I believe it's the same as when you are in pain... the pain is much worse when you don't know the diagnosis). And, the most important, I knew that Eric had absolutely nothing to do with it. So I had the clarity not to impose a difficulty that was mine (and not ours) on him.

And I'm glad I did so.

Yesterday evening he came back, and I was very excited to see him again. I have even shaved my beard to surprise him (I don't remember if I've already told you about it, but I've been wearing a beard for the last couple of months, for he was curious to see me like that). No, no, I didn't shave it out of spite or anything, but as I am wearing my hair much shorter than I used to before I grew the beard, shaving it, while wearing shorter hair, would produce a whole new look.

And I'm so glad I went to the gym yesterday (I haven't the days before, for I've got a cold), for one of the instructors (one that uses to talk to me about recipes, she knows I like to cook, and that I try to make sophisticate recipes) asked me what had I cooked to welcome Eric back. And I actually hadn't thought of it! Oh, I was just mortified! When someone I really like travels, I think it's a nice gesture to greet them home with a special meal! So I rushed through my exercises, took the quickest shower, rushed to the market and bought the ingredients for caper salmon and chocolate fondue, as well as some beautiful red tulips. And then I practically flew to the airport at rush hour and still managed to get there in time!

And the night was great. He demonstrated to have loved being welcomed like that (even if I had to cook there, but I chose recipes that actually had to be cooked at the moment, and quickly, and with neither mess, nor too much work).

It's only natural that just realizing I have some luggage is not enough to drop it, but at least I have the insight not to demand from him more than he can give. And it gave me the capacity to have other possible explanation for some facts, and that tends to have a calming effect. For example, we didn't get intimate yesterday, for he told me he couldn't go to the bathroom often at the trip, so he wasn't feeling comfortable. Therefore, instead of worrying about he having lost interest, I can now consider the option: he might just be telling the truth.

And if he have, indeed, lost interest, well, that just means he lost interest. That I may not be the one to blame. See, Phil, I'm not undesirable, after all!

Preacher pressure

2010-05-14T03:32:00.000-07:00

I realize I've been talking way too much about my relationship, so let me change the focus for a while.

One of my jobs as a psychiatrist, is to evaluate people who intends to travel abroad and has a psychiatric diagnosis or has been taking psychiatric drugs. Some consulates demand that, specially the canadian and the australian.

So it was sent to me an evangelical preacher who's daughter had to be evaluated. And it was weird from the beginning. He was one of those persons that demand to be seen when he has to, and demands to do things his way (he just had to show me some videos of her, as irrelevant as that was for my examination, and he didn't want to bring her along to the appointment... - of course I demanded to see her, it is paramount to a good examination, well, to exam the person). Anyway, he would call three times a day on my mobile... That kind of person.

I sent my evaluation to the consulate, and they thought that it would be necessary to complement it with a psychological evaluation. Then the three calls a day doubled... I got him a psychologist (who was harassed by him as well), and we sent the consulate the more thorough examination they thought necessary.

Now he's been writing me emails asking for refund, as I was not able to solve all the consulate questions at the first evaluation. And as if he didn't know that further evaluation might be needed (and charged).

Anyway, I answered the first email objectively, saying that I did my part of the arrangement, I told the situation to the office that sent them to me and now I shall sit and wait what his next step will be.

Things are better now

2010-05-13T03:42:00.000-07:00

Some people believe that the month prior to one's birthday would be the person's astral hell... Maybe they are right, for things seem to have found a way to get into place after the fateful date. We had a great night together yesterday, we cooked, read a magazine together, and watched a movie, falling asleep in the couch halfway through it.

Or my theory that people get regressed in this time might explain it better.

Anyway, after failing to receive the ordered cake at city hall, my colleague (who's birthday and mine coincide) ordered another that came yesterday. My coworkers gave me a T-shirt (we have the habit of buying a gift together).

And I'd like you guys to read Marie's previous post comment. It helped me a lot throughout "the day after" (thanks, Marie!)

Birthday

2010-05-12T04:33:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was... well, I don't know what to say, how to describe it, actually.

I had breakfast with my mother at a fancy bakery (which was very nice), then went to city hall, to have a cake with my colleagues. The cake never arrived, for there had been some misunderstanding in ordering it (it shall be delivered today), but that's OK.

I went back home in time to lunch, and had my "happy birthday" sang by my mother and brother, and had some cake. It was not my usual family birthday, in which we'd have over lots of people (brothers/girlfriends/wives, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends...), so it was a real bummer, but sometimes we have to take what life gets us, since my family has, actually, disintegrated (and I guess that was what put the big B in Bummer).

At afternoon I went with my mother to two major malls to get my birthday gift, and we made an afternoon out of it. I guess it was good for both of us, and I actually had a good time (despite hating shopping for clothes). She bought me two pair of pants and a book.

At night, though, was the most disappointing part of it all. I guess I just put too much expectation into what Eric would make of the night. Well, to be honest, even if I had put just a little expectation, I'd be disappointed...

He picked me up (and this I had to aknowledge, he made an effort to leave work a bit sooner and get dressed up), but he was kind of sour in the car. When I pointed that out, he told me it was about his usual work concerns (OK, not the time, right?).

I know it's quite normal that we feel a little needy and regressed in our birthdays, but that may have caused all the problem yesterday.

As I felt not valued enough, then I put many issues on the same plate and just throw them at him. I took many things that he said to me, analized them as not considerate enough and told him all at once.

I complained that he bought my gift in a rush at the night before (when I know he put way more energy into buying the gift his mother would give his aunt) and I complained that he was moody in a day that should be about me... I even complained that he's been going to therapy for a month and hasn't brought us up in it yet.

And he defended himself. He counter-argumented everything, visibly annoyed.

I guess that I was ready to just quit "us" then.

Until today, that I talked to a psychologist colleague, at city hall, and she helped me put things into perspective. There are some things that he just won't be able to give more than he can, and that I may have too high expectations (I may be fantasizing a perfect behavior, a perfect man), and that all I did was sound whiny and needy. I think she's right, specially when she said that I'm very sensitive and intelligent, and that this same fact can make me view myself as superior, and that it would destroy any relationship, presente or future.

PS: in spite of it all, dinner was just fantastic! A nice shrimp pasta and white whine in a fancy intimate restaurant...

Update

2010-05-07T04:06:00.000-07:00

Hello, my dear readers.

I'm terribly sorry I have been away so often lately, but it's been a difficult time, since I've been putting lots of energy into the relationship with Eric, for I don't want it to end exclusively for my lack of trying. I mean, I want to know that I have done my best, that I'm not the reason it fails.

And I guess it's been paying up (in a sloth pace, but it has). Things are not so difficult anymore. He's been able to show much more consideration, even though the self-sabotaging is still strong. For instance, I think we haven't had many evenings just for ourselves lately, we always just have to meet a very, very, very dear friend (that hasn't talked to him in the last 5 years...). And I do know such facts just say a lot, but I also know how strong is his intention to work on that. He's taking his therapy seriously, we've been having fun together and he's even been verbalizing about coming out to his father (which is a big change in his usual pattern).

At work things are tense, for I assumed a new function, one that requires lots and lots of meetings with people who'd like to eat me alive if they could (or if I wasn't extremely on my game), I and Eric started planning on remodelling my office and I just had a phone call inviting me to direct a clinic (that's on the paper yet, but it's supposed to be huge deal).

At home things haven't changed much as well. The Belly Couple (my older brother and his girlfriend) continue to be their usual belligerent, but they are not being specially creative, so nothing new on that front as well. Oh, they finally neutered their cats (since the male was demarcating territory all over the house - all doors locked all the time), but my brother did that against her will, so it not neutering them until now was just a power game between them...

My two year-old niece is doing fine. I just mailed her a barbie pegasus (I guess that's its name), and her mother told me her reaction upon seeing it was saying "I am happy!"

I haven't talked much to John (or at all), but I have seen Ty once or twice recently (he's been dating this very quiet, but apparently nice guy), and it was fun.

Oh, next week is my birthday, on the 11th!

PS: sorry I haven't been able to keep up with reading/commenting your blogs as well (I'll be back, Marie)!

It sucks being a psychiatrist.

2010-04-15T04:03:00.000-07:00

Have a good morning, Marie! Good morning other readers!

Because mine won't be.

You know I really don't act negative, for it bores me to the bones, but I don't see much option now. Yesterday I and Eric had THE talk...

I've been noticing how much his libido had decreased since I came back from the countryside, so yesterday he gave me an opening, and I asked to talk. And he told me that he wasn't feeling horny for me anymore (I would have to be stupid for not noticing the reduction in our intimacy frequency, from two to three times a day to three times in the last 10 days). And he told me that the last time was just mechanical.

Why didn't I just punch him in the face and went back home?

Simply because I'm a psychiatrist and a cognitive-behavioral therapist. And that sucks...

What do I mean?

I understand why he's behaving like that. And I believe that I've already told you guys why in a post from the beginning of our relationship, almost three months ago.

According to the cognitivist theory, just like everybody's, his feelings are determined by his thoughts. And his thoughts come, indirectly, from what's refered to as "core belief". His core belief, specifically, is one of incapacity to be loved. He, deep inside, can not believe that he's able to be loved.

I hate dysfunctional core beliefs... They determine thoughts, feelings and behaviors that usually serve to the only purpose of proving the belief itself, in a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy.

So I understand why he'll do everything to prove that he's unworthy of being loved.

And I believe I know where such belief came from, and I blame it on his parents, that, from his childhood, must have noticed that he was effeminate and did their best to criticize such behavior and anything connected to being gay. He recalls, when he was six, that his father wouldn't give him a toyset because there was a pink plastic bucket in it (when he was actually interested in the action figures that came along). He showed me his first drawing notebook, full of girls, rainbows and flowers drawings... I can only imagine how a couple of immature parents dealt with it.

So, why don't I run already?

Because he's a great guy, and he's really determined to improve himself, to learn about it and change what might otherwise be a gloomy future. He already required me to ask one of my psychologists colleagues to treat him.

But it hurts...

It's not glaucoma, says the Dungeon Master.

2010-04-14T06:56:00.001-07:00

So I went to the glaucoma specialized ophthalmologist yesterday. And it would have been funny if I wasn't scared. I don't want to sound racially insensitive, but there are a few japanese guys that giggles way too much as they talk. And I got myself an extreme case of those. I almost thought that we should swap consultations... I also don't want to sound like a radio station advertisement , but it was all giggles, all the time:

"Hello, hihihihih", "how are you, hihihihih", "so what brings you here, hihihihh"...

And it made almost impossible to clarify things for me. After examining me and asking me a few giggly questions, he asked me to have some exams done and told me that if they came within normal range, that I shouldn't worry, and come back in two years, but if they didn't, I should come back sooner.

As glaucoma is usually related to high intra-ocular pressure, and mine was absolutely normal, in both eyes (my brother had already measured that), I asked him if there was some kind of normal-pressure glaucoma. He answered, amongst many, many giggles, that it's possible. But (more giggles), that it was not my case.

So I inquired if the excavation was a normal variation, if it was possible that my eyes have such a large proportion of excavation (80%), and that it was just physiological for me, if that was just an anatomical variation. He giggled me back that it was not normal.

I was so frustrated at the giggling and enigmatic answers, that I left with more doubts than I had arrived. I felt exactly like the kids at the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon...

So I went back home, cried a little and then decided that I wouldn't worry until I absolutely had to. I kind of decided that I just knew that the exams wouldn't find anything relevant, and that I would die of old age before I had any visual difficulty.

Please, have your prayers with me today.

2010-04-13T06:09:00.001-07:00

As I was visiting my brother and his family in the countryside, I had a great time. I really did. I just love my niece and being there for her second birthday was very special to me, but it came with a price.

My brother (the one living there, not the other two), even though he's very anxious and self-righteous, he is affectionate and demonstrates when he's thankful for something. His wife is like a sister to me, we are very close to each other. She know she can lean on me (and she has had to sometimes already), and she's always been friendly and accepting. Their daughter, aka my niece, is my favorite person in the world. I think she's got the whole package, she is a smart, happy, pretty and affectionate little girl. And don't get me started on how intelligent she is!

And we had a great time. Every single one of the ten days I spent there were great days. We would make games up, we planted a tree (she just loved digging the dirt), glued Easter bunny pink footprints to the floor, made a decorated basket for it to lay chocolate eggs on, we played doll, doll house, dress up, played in the pool!!! At her birthday, they had installed a giant bouncer and a plastic-balls "swimming pool". There is an actual owl living at their rooftop, so we'd greet it good morning, and watch it hunt...

After the initial confrontation with my mother, things run smoothly.

But I was in a personal crysis:

- As I told you in the previous post, it was very difficult to me to deal with leaving Eric behind, but I soon noticed that it was not his fault. That it was my problem, and that I, and I alone, was the one who should deal with it. I had to teach myself how, and it wasn't easy. More than once I had to hide for a while in the bathroom or bedroom, for I felt to fragile to be seen. More than once I had to hide that I had cried. And it wasn't even the hardest part of the trip.

- It was very difficult to me to see my niece's face hurt by her classmate, and it happened again the day she got back to school. Even though the school board and the teacher were advised to keep close attention to her. It may have been very hard for me to live that experience with them, but I'm glad I did, for that was the time they seemed to have needed me the most.

- As I developed an eye stye, I had my eyes examined by my brother, who is an ophtalmologist. He solved the problem quickly, but then proceeded to examine the eyes, as I'd hardly take the time to look for an ophtalmologist here after he moved away. And he told me, and I quote: "I see a 80% excavation at your optical nerve, uhm, yeah, at both eyes". And just like that I saw everything I took for granted crumbling before my eyes, well, inside them, anyway. As I took the news very emotionally, he proceeded to tell me that my ocular pressure was normal, and that it might be just normal for me, and that the normal excavation range from 20 to 40%, and all that it might mean, and that I should consult with a glaucoma specialized ophtalmologist...

All I know is that I got very, very scared. I am more scared than I've ever been. Today I am going to consult the specialist he recommended.

Please, have your prayers with me today.

Countryside trip (part I)

2010-04-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

So I and my mother took a plane to visit my brother Henry, his wife and their daughter at the countryside, for my niece's two-year birthday. They are living approximately 1,200 miles (2000km) from here, which means a three-hour flight to the capital city of their new State plus a four-hour drive to their town.

We met them at the capital city, where we spent the first weekend doing "big city" staff, which they really miss, meaning going to malls and restaurants.

It was really great seeing them again. My niece is very talkative and interacts really well with me and her grandma.

Even though it was a great joy seeing her, it was, at the same time, painful, for we saw her hurt.

Some kid at the school scratched her face, from above the eyes to the cheeks, bilaterally. She hadn't been to the school since it had happened, a couple of days before we arrived. On the bright side, it seemed to be healing really well, and we were all so glad to see each other, that we didn't put a lot of energy into it. And as my brother drives a small car, we had to open the gifts I bought her before Friday. And she was so very glad to get a "Alice in wonderland" castle and characters, that she started doing a little spontaneous dance!!!

But no matter how glad I was to be there, I was very insecure to leave Eric behind. And I couldn't even figure out why. Saturday night we went to a restaurant, but as their town was so very hot, I was wearing flip-flops (CK ones, naturally, eheheh). My brother got insecure that we wouldn't be able to get in the restaurant in such attire, and he asked my mother to ask me to change. And she did (without telling that it was his request). But as she was probably so tense, that she was too insistent. To the point that I got angry, for I had said "no" already, and she had no argument, just the insistence.

After we got back from the restaurant, I and her talked. I said that it wasn't fair that I was by her side all year long, and that she would turn on me at the first request of a brother. But then I realized that wasn't the problem. I was just very insecure about starting a new relationship and leaving a bf behind (the first time Phil cheated on me, I was traveling). I guess my previous husband really did screw with my head more than I knew.

And even though it was hard for me to digest that difficulty, I knew that it was my issue, not his or my mother's. That I, alone, had to learn how to metabolize it and trust again.

And it was not easy. Every time that I didn't get a message from Eric, or when I got a message that he was having fun, I got very insecure that he might lose interest. I wasn't as afraid of him cheating, as the problem seemed to be the fear of abandonment.

On the bright side, the ten days I stayed there, I guess, were very important for me to "therapeutize myself". And I really believe that I feel better about it now.

Anyway, we met at the night I got back home, Monday, and he received me with a huge basket full of chocolate! For it had been Easter and we had spent the forty previous days without chocolate, as a lent penitence (he really believes in that, and I thought it would be a nice gesture to be sympathetic)! I wasn't expecting much. Maybe a chocolate egg, but I felt like that maybe he wouldn't take the time even for that, so it was a very positive surprise. And a positive reinforcer on how people can be attracted to me even if I'm not investing every single second on them.

I'm back (part 1 - conversations with a liar)

2010-04-12T05:21:00.000-07:00

Hello, you guys, sorry I haven't updated you for a while, but since I've been back from the countryside, there has been happening a lot. But firstly let me tell you about what I have been promising for a while.

So I talked to Pinocchio, I mean, John.

I was coming back from the gym and traffic was hectic, and I thought "not fair, I can't just phone John and talk for hours, because he made it impossible to me (with all the lying and the impatience it resulted)!"

So I called him.

me - Hey John!

John - Hi Adam!

(and we talked amenities for a while)

me - So, I need your advice on a situation...

John - Anything serious?

me - Kind of. I have this friend, and we are very close to each other...

John - Who?

me - Oh, you don't know "her", but we are really close (then I babbled a little)... We are very good friends but you don't know her, because we talk mainly on the phone, and that's probably why you have never seen her at my place...

John - Uhm.

me - And I'm afraid I'm losing her. And I really don't want to lose her. Her friendship is very important to me.

John - What do you mean?

me - Oh, it's complicated, but I've been noticing that she's been lying a lot. I guess she always did, but I have never had a reason to doubt her until now.

John - Oh, that really, really sucks. What does she lie about? charade

me - I guess I don't really know. I've noticed that she exaggerates a lot about her personal and family assets, and mainly on her sex-life. I just don't trust her on the rest anymore. It may all be a charade, as it may as well not be... When in doubt, I used to believe. Now it's the other way round.

John - Oh.

me - I think I should tell her that she should like me enough as a friend, and trust me enough to know that I wouldn't like her any less if she told me that she was poorer or that she couldn't get as many guys as she says she can... And that otherwise I don't have the patience to chat about stories that I don't trust to be true anymore... What do you think I should do?

John - Maybe you could take some time away from her, and maybe then she would notice on her own that you are tired of the lies.

me - I think that's a good idea, but I have already reduced the frequency of the calls, and I hardly ever see her anymore (forgive me if I'm not as good a liar as he is, and I contradict myself a lot, ok?)

John - She should take a hint, then...

me - I just don't know what to do...

So it went on like that for a while, and we said our goodbyes. He didn't demonstrate any sign of getting that he was the friend. He didn't seem to be offended or suspicious. Anyway, I didn't want to confront him directly, I wanted to let him a way out.

But I guess it worked, at least partially. This conversation took place before I traveled, and we talked briefly again for a few times since then, and this Friday, he told me that he went out with a guy that he met online, and that they didn't even kiss!

I'm very glad he told me that, because the usual would be he telling me how good in the sack/fit/well endowed the guy was!

Hey, I haven't forgotten about you guys!

2010-03-31T18:54:00.001-07:00

I know I've been away for a while, but I've had a hectic time for the last days, so I haven't blogged much. At all, actually.

Anyway:

- I am visiting my brother Henry at the country-side... Just after a three hour flight and a 4 hour drive.
- things have been just fine at work, there are a couple of fact that I am sure to tell you when I return...
- by Eric, things are not as settled as they could be. He's been showing some important signs of his self-sabotaging (towards the relationship, specially), but all accounted, his will to fight for "us" have been keeping the flame alive. I am OK with it, even though I feel like freaking out on him sometimes!
- I don't think I have already told you about it, but Eric's got a strong social circle, but I'm sure to tell all about it in time. Some of his friends are actually great!
- As I haven't been sleeping much at my mother's house, I haven't had any more serious difficulties with the Belly Couple.
- I have talked to John about the lies, but I should take a new post just to talk about it!

I should come home monday, and I plan on telling you all about the trip and more on the following days!

And I'll look forward for the comments! eheheheh

Hotmail: posta elettronica con funzioni avanzate e gratuita, con la protezione Microsoft. Provalo subito.

Conversations with dead people

2010-03-15T05:29:00.000-07:00

Dear father,

today marks one year since your departure from life.

There's so much I'd like to say to you, and to hear from you, but all I can do now is write this letter and hope that you can read it somehow. I don't believe that going to the graveyard means much, so this is going to be my way to do something special for you today.

Jumping straight to the gay point, I'm thankful that you, in some level, accepted me for being a homo-affective man. I really wanted this level to be higher, but I'll take what I can get.

I'm not with Phil anymore. We weren't good for each other, but I didn't want you to see another son failing a relationship (I know that Dawson separating from the psycho-bitch was very hard for you - by the way, I and him are living with Mom now). For approximately an year before you died, things hadn't been the same. He was not attracted to me anymore, and it was really, really hard on me. Fifteen days after you left, he dumped me for another guy (who dumped him a couple of days later - you really shouldn't have, eheh).

Anyway, even though I had to mourn two losses then, in a period where I was having trouble at work (at justice, I was being morally harassed by judges that apparently were a part of a criminal organization - by the way, I quit doing forensic analysis for them), it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I started working out and, even though I have had many difficulties surviving this year (I've had to live with Phil for some time, for the Belly Couple would not make it any easier on me, I've fallen for a few losers, I've lost my car...), I'm in a great point in my life. New and improved body shape, attitude and boyfriend (maybe you knew his family, they've lived in our neighborhood and, let's face it, you just knew everybody). And it's been great. He and mom get along great, and respect each other (which is a nice change for her, because Dawson and his girlfriend are as immature as they can be). I'm sure you'd get along great with Eric, he seems to be really into me, and seems to be someone who will be by my side.(even though his anxiety has made it hard on him last week, but your son is a psychiatrist, and things are great again).

At work things are great. I've received a couple of invitations to lecture at a congress and a symposium (I know how proud you used to become when I got those). People at city hall respects me very much both technically and personally, and I've been having a great time there. I've already promoted some huge changes in the way mental health is managed in our city. There are new medications available to the population partly due to my job, treatment protocols have been updated (not yet published though), and I've literally saved the life of a patient due to my interference via city hall. She would have been unnecessarily sedated for life by a stupidly arrogant doctor. So I'm proud of myself, and I hope that so are you.

At the private practice, all is well. Your secretary is still there and I and Dawson work together mostly frictionlessly. The patients seem to be satisfied.

Henry, his wife and your granddaughter have moved away, for the work-market for him here was really hard. It was hard as well, but it seems to be great for your only grandchild. She seems to have a healthier environment there. I and mom are going to visit them on her birthday (they've been here twice since they moved).

He just sent me a beautiful email, and I answered him telling about this letter, and how I feel today. I told him that I feel as though there's a huge hole, and I feel great sadness, that at the same time I feel as if there is something blocking it. I actually feel something positive.

Maybe it's you. So I told him that he should try and feel it as well.

Dad, thanks for making me who I am today. Thanks for so much you've done for me, for the walks we did when I was an overweight teen, those were our own moments, and one of the things I remember most dearly. Even though it's been so many years ago, I remember our actual conversations then.

I just wished we could still have those.

And I hope that you are OK wherever you are.

PS: oh, great news, do you remember when I had to treat depression? Even though I've been through much worse now, I haven't had the need to anymore.

Conversations with a psychiatrist

2010-03-12T04:57:00.001-08:00

It can't be easy dating a psychiatrist.

I mean, it must tiresome having to deal with things that other relationships wouldn't require.

I can see things that other guys wouldn't. I can understand in a different level what motivates the behavior of other guys, and that can make things pretty predictable sometimes.

For instance, I know that Eric (due to many factors in his life story) has some very specific subconscious beliefs about himself, the world and the future. And those beliefs tend to generate a series of rules of how to think/feel, and that turns into thoughts and behaviors that, in turn, will serve only to prove, again, and again, that those beliefs are true (when they are not valid - at least not anymore - since they are getting in the way of what he, in a conscious level, desires).

Those thoughts and behaviors generated characterize, very clearly, self-sabotaging. And I know that, if I just ignore them and let them follow its course, "we" won't survive.

On the other hand (and it's a big other hand, although the original hand is just as huge...), Eric respects very much my technical knowledge, and now he sees when he is self-sabotaging, and tries to change directions.

But I must tell you, I don't know how strong his subconscious beliefs are, and I don't know if I can be therapeutical enough with him, to fix it, even though that's his desire.

Yesterday we had a long talk, very emotional (specially on his side, because for me it was all old news), regarding his difficulty in dealing with the thoughts of returning to his point of comfort (where he is alone, and not having to deal with his outness level to family, and fully available to friends) and his desire to have an adult relationship.

Catnap

2010-03-11T02:45:00.000-08:00

Have I told you the Belly Couple's new cat's been kidnapped? Well, it has.

A few days ago he just disappeared, and when my brother checked the surveillance camera footage, we could see a blond fat woman getting off her car and picking the cat up in front of our house. It was quite appalling, for she didn't seem to be a person that sees a cute stray cat, plays with it a bit and when she realizes that it's indeed lost, she takes it home until a lost notice is, well, noticed. No, no. She seemed very determined. She gets off the car, picks the cat up without even blinking, gets back in the car and goes away on reverse.

(I'll try and embed the video, Marie!)

Anyway, yesterday was one of those weird days, where nothing goes quite accordingly to the planned. Where everything seems just a little bit off. I couldn't communicate quite as well with Eric, gym seemed harder than usual, traffic was very slow, and at city hall I couldn't produce as well...

And we got a call from someone who thought she spotted the cat. So my mother and the Belly Couple went over there, late at night. Around midnight, they come back and I'm awakened up by the agitation. My brother was crying in the bathroom and washing intensely his hands, for the cat (which was not the same, just quite similar) scratched his hands pretty badly. And he is a heart surgeon, with surgeries scheduled to this morning.

I picked the car and went to the pharmacy to buy antiseptics and antibiotics, but I was not fully awakened, so I almost hit a bus, and can't find any drugstore opened. When I finally return, they decided to go to a hospital, for stitches would be necessary.

I don't know how it ended up, but he usually leaves home before I do, and his car was still at home.

I just hope that his hands are OK.

Meeting the liar

2010-03-10T03:25:00.000-08:00

John, my supposed BFF, has been texting me about my "before" pictures, that he's found somewhere (the images of the overweight me). He's been complimenting me on how much I've changed, and how gorgeous he thinks I look now.

Anyway, I believe he did that because he must have noticed how distant I've grown from him.

Yesterday he invited me and Eric to an art show opening. The art show, some xilography produced by some late artist was not impressive at all (I used to do basically the same with potatoes, when I was a kid), but it was interesting meeting John again.

My green eyed friend, the one I used to tease that his eye color was so gorgeous they must have been lenses (and he swore otherwise) actually wear lenses!

I paid attention to his eyes and it was clearly noticeable.

He was very excited about all the fantastic guys he's been meeting, but I couldn't bother to pay attention. I was too busy exaggerating compliments to his eyes, to the point he got uneasy.

But yesterday was not a good day at all. I had to let go the cleaning lady that's been with me since Phil, and that's been by my side throughout the divorce and changing houses. But it made no sense keeping her anymore. My mother's already got one, anyway, and two cleaning ladies for a household of four (me, my mother and the belly couple) is a waste. She tried to be strong and uplifting as always, but I could notice she was covering up being sad.

Naturally I've been thinking about it since I moved back to my mother's, but I wouldn't fire her before Christmas. The only reason I could do that now is that I have already had her two job possibilities arranged.

Weekend trip (Sunday)!

2010-03-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

I and Eric woke up very excited about our second day at that town (and had sex again to celebrate it) and went to a huge park, that I just love. There we had the opportunity to have a nice breakfast, watch the people pass by and dozens of black swans by the lake and see some important architectural marks and outdoor statues. There was even a "statue" that consisted of a huge metal leaf designed to be thrown rocks at (and to produce sounds subsequently).

We decided to ditch his friend again (oh, too bad), and to go straight to another relic fair, a huge one.

Eric's adrenaline peaked again, for we found many interesting religious relics and reasonably priced artwork (among many, many fake and overpriced ones, I'm glad Eric knows the difference).

There I bought a fish fossil (that was tagged less than US$15!), and a small "deaf-dumb-blind" monkey statuette. We bought together an iron piece representing the screaming guy at Picasso's Guernica (the salewoman thought it was a chicken, and sold it for about US$3) and another few items, and he bought himself a painting cataloged and numbered reproduction and an 19th Century Saint Francis statuette.

We lunched there and carrying all that (the backpacks and items bought Saturday were at the hotel to be picked up later), we went to a couple of malls until it would be time to pick our other luggage at the hotel, and take the bus back home.

One of the malls we visited is frequented mainly by gay men, and it was nice to feel so comfortable inside a mall. We bought a couple of T-shirts, a DVD, and that was all... we decided that we had already spent too much (and that we just wouldn't be able to carry it all back)

Anyway, we went back to the hotel (he just couldn't walk anymore, for his feet hurt), picked our backpacks and recently purchased items and took the subway to the bus station, where we didn't miss the bus for a couple of minutes.

PS. we had the opportunity to find, by chance, many of the cow parade cows.
PS2. We may have felt tired as hell afterward, but it was so rewarding to take a hectic trip together with Eric. He's a great travel companion (and so am I, OK? eheheh).

Weekend trip (saturday)!

2010-03-09T05:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess I haven't told you yet, but Eric decided to become an architect because he's got a great interest in restoration work, specially when it comes to religious icons. So it was just natural that he'd want to show me one of his works.

And so began our pilgrimage.

"His" church was still closed, so we went to another one to catch the mess (he just loves that), even though the distance between them was considerable. And it was raining quite heavily (I'm just glad we had brought a couple of those disposable rain coats, for we have walked the distance between them a couple of times).

After that, we went to a huge popular street market that sells from imported items to handcrafted ones. And it happened under the rain, and carrying a increasingly larger number of bags (that carried from gifts to my niece's birthday to a new leather bag, and shoes, and gifts to his brother and a couple of friends).

We even decided to experiment some street food (I rationalized that the worse that could happen would be a diarrhea and that might even be good for the figure, eheheheh).

Anyway, we were very excited about being there and shopping, that we didn't even mind the endless distance we walked through it all. When we checked at the hotel, I guess the adrenaline peak was so high, that we, still wet and cold from the rain and dirt from the trip and the street shopping, had sex before showering! And it was just great.

After the shower, we had plans on visiting a dear friend of his, that lives in that town. A very acid girl that recently separated (oh, I will never understand why...), and we went together to another street fair, one specialized in relics. Again, another Eric's strong interest.

Due to the rain, the fair was already very weak, but we had the chance to visit an art gallery nearby. Later we went to an overpriced restaurant (that was valid architecturally, though, for the food was so unimpressive).

We ditched his friend afterwards (Eric wanted to go to her place again, but I just didn't feel like, so I suggested that, as we had plans to see each other the following day, we should just let her go). And it was a great decision, for we had the chance to visit the extremely fancy shopping street at that town (our very own "Beverly Hill's Rodeo Drive), where we bought myself some new pants (hey, I really, really needed those, my last pants purchase is already too wide for me) and he bought himself some toy art.

(just remember that we didn't have a car, so we had to walk everywhere)

We went, then, to a huge library, I guess the biggest in my country, where we almost felt dizzy by the enormous book variety. I bought a book that I just couldn't find in my own town.

Later, we went back to the hotel, so that we could rest for a while, to have dinner at a fancy place he knows. Naturally, though, we didn't have the energy to wake up half an hour later, as proposed... And slept through the night...

Weekend trip (the trip)!

2010-03-09T04:05:00.000-08:00

Hello Marie, hello guys!

this weekend I and Eric decided to take a trip to our countries largest city. He just loved it there, and when I told him that we should, he literally jumped up and down with joy!

But we decided to travel on the cheap mode. We took a bus friday midnight to arrive there saturday 6am (and sleep on the bus, saving up a hotel's night), rent a hotel room for one night (saturday to sunday) and come back sunday night.

My first impression of the trip was not great, though. At the bus station, we met a class mate of mine (from med school), and I believe he might have some kind of involvement with the criminal gang that I told you about, and the "aura" he sent was so heavy you could taste it. Then, at the bus, we sit by some hillbillies family (that even smelled the part) and that decided that our seats were theirs (even though their tickets said otherwise).

But then (and it's a big but then)...

Eric started laughing! First in a restrained way, and then he began laughing out loud! And it was just a great laugh... He found it so funny, so very funny, that I started laughing as well... And that just confused the hillbillies so much that they actually sat down quietly, looking confused...

And just like that the trip took a whole new tone!

When we got to our destiny, we saw the cutest scene I've ever seen. There was a very old man expecting someone at the buses parking area. And he was all dressed up in an old suit and hat, and he was holding some roses... It was so cute you could cry!

Later we saw a woman with a chihuahua on her lap (Eric just loves chihuahuas).

And so we went to the church whose artwork were reconstructed by Eric, when he lived there.

The day I freaked out (a little)

2010-03-05T03:56:00.000-08:00

Eric must really like me, for he didn't get freaked out by my freaking out.

Yesterday he was going to make the presentation of his postgrad monograph. And I was very glad for him, specially considering that I have helped him (actually, it's more like he's helped me, for I got him started by writing the outlines of the thesis, and I made all the maths and graphs and half the text).

I don't remember if I've already told you, but he's not fully out yet. His family does not know about him (his gay cousin tells us that they do talk about it, but not openly), nor do most of his colleagues. So he asked me not to be at the presentation, for he'd be "nervous" if I was there. I already knew what he meant, which was "my mother is going to be there and I don't know how to explain you being there as well".

As I knew that before I got into it, I had no right to feel sad about it.

What bugged me is that after the presentation, he decided to have dinner with his mother, and then go out with his postgrad colleagues. And I do know that it's only natural to celebrate with family and colleagues, and that it's even got implications (it's jobwise strategic to have good relations). But I felt like being taken for granted (though I understood pretty well the importance of that). And he noticed that. So I confirmed it.

I told him that I wanted him to have his fun with his mother and friends, but that I also wanted, sometimes, to feel put in first place. Just sometimes, I want him to choose me (even though he'd know I'd understand otherwise).

He demonstrated that he understood (thankfully), and that was nice, since I am not used to freaking out (even in that smallish degree), so I was afraid that it'd freak he out as well.

PS: I'm auditioning for new BFF. Yesterday I called an old acquaintance, but his phone was off.

John's lies

2010-03-04T03:11:00.000-08:00

That's it, either I confront John and ask him to stop lying or we'll turn into distant friends. Yesterday he called (and I was glad, for I do miss him), and we chatted for a long while. When he said "goodbye, I love you", I had to force myself to say that back. To the guy I used to consider my BFF.

I had time to think about it, and I see that the lies didn't start recently, but they go all the way back, since we've known each other. On the other hand, they have never been hateful lies or destructive ones, he's never gossiped about anyone (much). The lies seem to serve only the purpose of protecting a poor self image he's got. They are about his possessions, family income, clothes he buys...

So that's my predicament. I don't usually tolerate lies, for I think they are never benign, but I'd like to believe that in this case.

What I think I need is a friendship-break, to reevaluate the situation. Even if he thinks that we are taking the time apart only because I'm in a new romance.

sushi night

2010-03-03T05:40:00.001-08:00

I'm glad I've finally put you up to date with the last developments in my life. Yesterday I've decided to make something special for Eric, and invite his friends (the Dorts) to join us. They didn't get very excited about going out on a Tuesday night, but I didn't let it slow down my plans.

Eric just loves japanese dishes, so I put my mind into learning the art of sushi rolls and buying the ingredients (in a few hours). And I succeeded so! He just loved them (I made the ones with salmon and cream cheese, his favourite).

And that's it for a post , eheh!

Unless I decide to tell you all about how excited we are about going for our weekend trip (his friends won't join us, but their loss, we'll have our fun anyway)! Oops, already did, and the post is still short!

This was the best weekend ever (part II)

2010-03-03T03:25:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of simplification, let me just list the activities of last weekend (for there were so few, eheheh).

1. After the reunion Friday night we woke up, stayed for a while in bed, and went to an aesthetics clinic to make an appointment for a laser epilation for his back;

2. We met my mother nearby and went to a shoe store with her (they both wanted new shoes);

3. We had lunch together at a mall (japanese food), and said our goodbyes;

4. I and Eric took a short walk at the mall (for we planned to go out dancing) and went to my house, for we wanted to grab somethings to take to his place (some plants);

5. We started to plant what we brought to his place, and tending for his garden;

6. We decided to postpone the dancing (we'd have a "playing house" night), and started to watch the Blair Witch Project (he hadn't seen it yet), and fell asleep halfway through;

7. We woke up early and had sex;

8. We went to a large handcraft fair my city holds and bought a recycled plastic ant and a fly made out of kitchen kitchenware;

9. We went to the mess (he told me he wanted to, a few weeks ago, so I asked my boss, who also lives nearby, about the timetable of the neighborhood church);

10. We lunched out;

11. We went to an art museum (it's just lovely going to a museum with an architect, he taught me so much!);

12. We bought groceries (we went to a specific market, where he used to buy a cake he enjoys);

13. We went back home and had sex again;

14. We ate some of the cake;

15. We went to the birthday of someone a cityhall colleague knew (she wanted to get to know Eric, so it was a nice opportunity);

16. We blew the birthday after a while and went back home to watch the rest of the movie;

17. He started to crave for chocolate (we are avoiding it in penitence, until Easter), so I cooked him some milk fondant;

18. We ate it while we watched an episode of Glee;

19. We went to bed.

Best weekend ever (friday night)

2010-03-02T06:13:00.000-08:00

Friday I've had a real full day at City Hall. After I got out, I had to represent them at a Regional Psychiatric Society lecture. Just a good neighbor formality, for we work towards the same population (even though they sabotage us in any opportunity they've got).

I was at the lecture table with the president of the regional society, the president of the national society and the president of the regional medical council. And I was very full of myself for that! I could feel some very, very jealous stares coming from the audience.

After I made the formalities, I stayed for a while, and after approximately an hour, I faked a mobile call to get out of the lecture (nothing I hadn't already heard before), for I had a dinner at Eric's place to attend to.

Coming there, I met a straight couple that Eric just loves (the Dorts), his bff (Monica, an army doctor that used to be my student, when I gave classes to medicine), Walter (another best friend of Monica - he and Eric really don't care about each other) and another guy (one that has traveled all over the world using the trinkets he buys at the places to pay for his expenses).

The Dort couple was at the kitchen preparing a funghi secchi macaroni, and I decided to help. It was great fun. I talked to them so much, the conversation would just flow, even though I was tired as hell, and that we didn't know each other much (we've seen each other briefly before, at Walter's birthday). She's an architect, like Eric, and he's an engineer. Anyway, we are already planning on making a couples trip next weekend.

Monica is a diva. Beautiful, but just big in every way. She's overweight, loud, funny, no-nonsensical. If she liked girls, she would make a perfect stereotypical lesbian.

Walter is an acid person. I think that if he had to choose an animal to be in the next life, a dog would be his last choice. He's cold, determined and I just don't trust him.

The other guy, I don't care about very much. He seemed to be the nicest guy, but Eric's told me about a time he'd burst towards my hubbie, for no apparent reason. So, it will take a while before I trust him.

Even though it was an improbable mix of persons, we had the best time, chatting and laughing into the night! They drank and smoked (cigarettes), but it's not like I've never been around smoke and teenager-like behavior before! I could be tired, but I managed to have a great time. The food was great, and the company was surprisingly pleasant.

After they all left, Eric was so happy, but so very happy! And I just knew why. He was very insecure that I (the paradigm of righteousness, in his mind) and his friends (the paradigm of immaturity, again, in his mind) just wouldn't mix, or that we would just be polite towards each other, but we wouldn't actually have fun together. And we did! A lot!

So we went to bed. I must yet tell you about the rest of the weekend!

John's birthday

2010-03-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

As my friendship with John has gone a bit down the drain, and I'm not sure which direction I want that to drain, I made a big deal out of his birthday party. I invited all his friends, including Wallace (even after the voyeur incident) and his so called bf and Ty.

Not many people showed up to the restaurant (a pizza all-you-can-eat place - John's favorite pizza kind), but we actually had fun.

Eric decided to take some info out of Wallace's boy. He told us that he's already been married to a woman, and since then he's bisexual. I'm not a great believer of those, for I've never met one that hasn't proved me that he's just fooling himself. After some Eric's insistence, he agreed that he liked men a "little" bit more... Oh, "bis" bore me...

Anyway, he's thinking of writing a book (even though he can barely manage the spoken language, but that's not the point), just like every hooker has already thought of. And he believes, as he supposedly knows the make-up artist of a famous TV afternoon show host, that she's going to promote the book on the air. He's even separated two whole hours of the week to work on that! Impressive... NOT.

I may sound a bit bitter, but I guess I am a little tired of John and the kind of people he attracts. I've never had a reason to distrust John, so whatever story he told me, why wouldn't I believe them?

But lately his stories have become more and more exaggerated. According to him, he's got more sex than a regular guy ever would, even if I wanted to. And that must be delusional, for he's not the kind of guy that attracts attention in the gay world...

Anyway, I gave him a nice gift (a lavalamp), for I'm not sure whether it's just me that got irritated with him (and that just might change back given time), or if I should get away from him definitely.

Me and Whitney Houston

2010-02-26T04:20:00.000-08:00

Even though I have been seeing Eric for little over a month, it's been so intense, it's like we've known each other for years. On the other hand, I don't actually know him that well.

And I guess that makes me a little insecure. And I see that he's got some difficulties in dealing with that as well.

We do love each other, and we both demonstrate to cherish the moments we spend together, and to be eager for each others touch and kisses and bodies.

Yet, I don't know his behavioral patterns.

I really don't know if he'll freak out over something I might not even consider that serious, or something that he already verbalized as a huge worry, as he feeling pressured to get out of the closet. I don't pressure him, and I assure him that I have all the time in the world, but I see he is insecure that I'll get tired of hiding from his parents. He does not know my behavioral patterns either, after all.

And there are somethings that worry me about his past. He used to smoke pot with his friends, in a weekly basis. After a bad trip he told me about, he quit. I don't want him to do that anymore. It annoys me enough that he used to smoke cigarettes! He may not want to smoke anymore, but he also told that he does not want to feel pressured about it. It had an important social function for him. He enjoyed the feeling of belonging to a group that grew together due to a "being naughty" camaraderie. And I know that he getting to know my friends, he will see that social groups can form strong bonds even without intoxications.

But he assumes I am a man of virtue, and as someone rigid about it, even though I never told him that. And he feels censored by that.

See what I mean? I do not want him to smoke. He does not want to smoke. But as we are insecure about each other's behaviors, I'm afraid that he will, and he is afraid that that the possibility will be a deal breaker for me.

If he knew me better, he'd realize I'm not rigid at all. And if I knew him better, I'd know if I'm dealing with the next Bob Marley or not.

Back in Iran

2010-02-25T03:26:00.000-08:00

I and Eric drove back from the island Tuesday. Wallace had already returned with his so called boyfriend, and John decided to stay a little longer, by himself (having more sex than humanly possible, I just don't understand how one can fat, short, bald, smoking guy can find himself so much casual sex - I mean, it's possible, for there are so many gay guys on that beach with nothing else on their minds, but Eric thinks he's been lying about it).

Anyway, here in town I had a chance to see my younger brother, Henry and his wife and my niece, my beautiful niece! They have been living in the countryside, far, far away from my town, but in special occasions, they come and visit. They came for Carnival, to spend it with their friends, on a beach (a straight one, eheh), but Carnival ends on Tuesday, so they also came back into town to be with the family.

Even though it's always a extremely positive event to have a 1y10m-old girl in the house, it brought some anxiety to both my brothers and my mother. My mother was insecure that the Belly Couple (my older brother and his girlfriend) might do something to upset Henry and his family. My older brother was anxious, because that's just the way he is, and Henry was anxious about them both being anxious. It was almost overwhelming to them at some moments. Like Friday (I had taken the week off due to Carnival and their visit), that I decided to cook all day to stay out of the cross fire (I cooked a pineapple/coconut mousse inside the own pineapple and a lemon tart, for Sunday there would be a Barbecue with my girls from the Mental Health Coordination, from City Hall). Anyway, sparks flew by, and the tension was so profuse, it almost needed its own bedroom to stay overnight.

I didn't succeed as much, all the time, though. I was helping Eric finish his monograph, to complete a postgrad course, and having a new boyfriend at the house at such an occasion, made me as vulnerable as one having a new boyfriend in Iran.

At one moment, the Belly Couple's new cat went to my bedroom, where we were trying to focus, and began to meow incessantly.

I took him to the Belly Couple and asked, very politely, if they could please give the cat some attention, for we had to concentrate on the monograph. They just stared at me, blankly. As I turned my back to return to work, she almost yelled "if you want to focus, lock your door"! I almost exploded (inside, I kept walking calmy). I felt like "who does this woman think she is to order me to lock myself inside my mother's house"???

And so I had to expose the family truth to Eric. An extremely polite and well raisen boy. I hope he didn't think it was too white-trash for him. I'm just glad, actually, that love makes people blind to terrible things such as family baggage...

Beach fun

2010-02-24T05:51:00.000-08:00

Anyway, we went to the island, basically to have fun at the beach, and we succeeded at that.

There are two annual mandatory gay migrations to the island. New Year's Eve and Carnival. And I guess no excuse is accepted to the Carnival migration, for twice as many guys arrive at the beach at the pagan festivity.

Anyway, we got to dance at the beach, eat shrimp, walk hand-in-hand, kiss and feel completely at ease about it.

We met many guys and girls we already knew, got to have good conversations... As a matter of fact, we met my friend, the mr. gay. And even though he's a delightful guy to have around and chat, he can be a tad shallow, and that's quite funny, for that make him predictable. He was so anxious he didn't get to buy the tickets to a supposedly great gay party while it was cheaper, so he (his boyfriend, actually) had to spend approximately 300 dollars for it.

And he would argue that buying it was the logic thing to do, because otherwise "he would not have anything to talk to the other guys the next day at the beach"

It was funny because we already know what he would talk the day after at the beach... "Oh, there were only ugly guys there", "The music sucked", "the drinks were too expensive", "I can't believe I paid so much for that"... So the next day we would look for him just to confirm our theory...

We also met some interesting people. There was a flamboyantly cheerful lady at the table next to ours, and even though she was straight, she was there with her gay daughter, gay niece and gay friends. We had a great chat, she just loved us (I guess she loved everything, anyway), and we laughed together a lot. She told us about her hectic lovelife (she followed her bf - they had been together for 4 years or so - to a distant touristic beach, wearing sunglasses, toupee and big clothes, just to find him there with his wife), and even suggested us to use whipped cream during sex...

We also had the chance to watch a multitude of guys, of every possible shape, from the couldn't-care-less-about-fitness to plastic-surgery-junkies (we even had fun spotting fake pecs - yes, it's not just girls that can enlarge their breasts, now surgery can make huge pectoral muscles, but they are not quite as natural as the real thing), and their clothes ranged from Diesel and Dolce&Gabanna trunks (and a multitude of aussiebums) to the trunks they had since they swam laps at the school pool.

The water was great, even though, the first day, the jelly-fishes made it fearful to dive (we even spotted a jelly-fish burnt guy, that must have also been very drunk, for he refused to seek a hospital, when I suggested he should).

As Eric is not a great fun of getting water, sun-blocker and sand all mixed up on his skin, he just loved the jelly-fish excuse to stay away from the water. Later he confessed me he made a big deal about the sun-sand-sea-sunblock just to annoy John a little bit.

It was great that the next day we decided he should let it go and have fun, for we dove, and kissed in the water, and let the water flow pull us to a part of the beach where we noticed there were mostly couples in the water. It was so cute and romantic... Many gay and lesbian couples just hugging each other and kissing. Naturally. Not afraid of judgment...

PS: sorry for I haven't had the chance to respond to your comments, guys (specially Marie), for I have only been having access to e-mail posting the last days. I promise to get it together as soon as I have my computer fixed!

Godzilla X Mothra on the island

2010-02-24T03:42:00.000-08:00

John can be such a spoiled brat when he wants to. He was half the funny and charming he uses to be (which is still much more than most people ever get to be, don't get me wrong, his company was still enjoyable), but he managed to get a little bit on my nerves on the trip to the island.

One day we got up very late, and got to go to the beach only around noon. As our inn was farther from the beach, comparing to those where I would have to leave my car to pay for the holidays expenses, we had to walk quite a while to get on the sand, but that day I saw the bus coming. Normally I would be the first to ignore it and walk happily my way, but it was extremely hot, so I suggested taking the bus (which, for a fat guy like John, that sweats all his sun-blocker away when he walks on the sun, should have been a blessing). I guess he figured, on his mind (considering he knows I don't mind walking), that my suggestion might have come as a favor to Eric.

He resented it (people can be so obvious...)

But John was not the only interesting thing to tell you about.

We got to have our table by the bar I told you about on the new year's posts (the one where we got to dance on the beach), and John's friend (the one he invited out of spite) could be a nice company (even though his sense of humor was defective - he would find funny novelty T-shirts that made reference to beer), and wouldn't mind hanging on the table when we felt like taking a walk or bathing on the sea. So, when we got past his humor sense, he seemed to be a decent guy, and nice to having around.

Until...

Well, it grossed me and Eric out.

One afternoon, we got back to the inn to have a more intimate moment. And I guess we can be a little bit loud. We locked our bedroom door and after we got out, we found vestiges that some guy might have enjoyed listening to us. Gross, gross, gross!!!!!!!!!!!

And there were evidences it was him. The inn owner commented he'd seen him then, and we found the bracelet he had been wearing at the beach that day.

Well, besides the public health threat (on the last day he brought to the inn his "boyfriend", which had obviously been rented). He had traveled to bring his very own Pretty Woman to the island, and the guy wouldn't even keep him proper company, flirting with other guys on the beach, and ignoring him the best he could (the poor guy would pretend it was OK, for their arrangement, according to him, would involve just the sex)

As we were celebrating our last day, anyway, and cooking some McDonald's apple and banana fried pies* for the inn owners (the nice fishermen family, I don't know if you remember me telling about them in the New Year's posts), he would stay alone at their bedroom, resting (oh, don't worry, we had ours locked, eheheh), as John and his friend would stay outside the kitchen window smoking and, in John's case, just being a tad more acid than usual.

Anyway, the fishermen just loved and appreciated the gesture. Well, at least they did. John, who is usually a very refined guy, had "forgotten" to thank for it...

It was nice to give Eric a chance to listen to their stories, which was an opportunity I was glad he had, for those are beautiful personal growth and supperation stories.

* cook about 4 apples roughly chopped in sugar, cinnamon and lemon juice, and a little bit of water (for the banana filling, the water isn't necessary), until thick, and fill market bought fried-pies pasta and bake it in a hot pre-heated oven (no need to fry it, unless you don't mind the extra weight). Sprinkle sugar and cinnamon over it. Easy like that.

Better car

2010-02-23T03:45:00.001-08:00

PS.: John only arrived at the inn a few hours later. In the fantastic better car!

PS2: it was a renault, and it might be a little more expensive than mine, if it had not been a second hand buy...

PS3: that's just me being mean, ehehehehhe.

PS4: we didn't get to use any of the cars for the days we stayed, for the traffic in the island in major holidays is just impossible!

La tua posta e molto altro anche in viaggio. Richiedi gratuitamente Windows Live Hotmail. Iscriviti subito.

I can hardly wait to tell you all about carnival

2010-02-23T03:41:00.001-08:00

Hello guys! Sorry I kept you waiting, but it's been hard for me to get if only a few minutes to give you the proper attention well deserved! And to make things harder, my PC has gone to the dark side of the force, apparently, so I've been e-mailing my posts to the blog.

Anyway, let me at least tell you I'm alive! And having a ball (generally).

The trip to the island was a success in many terms. I can't recall if I've told you about the hard time my BFF John's been having dealing with the fact that I've met someone, but he's acting like a spoiled kid. Anything Eric wants, John wants otherwise. John is one of the most polite people you can have around, and he's been acting on the verge of openly rudeness.

When I told him that we thought of driving in Eric's car, he immediately decided that we should drive in his friend's. And was very competitive about it, to the point of saying that his friend's got the best car, that not even mine can compare to that (mine, the same car that he was very enthusiastic I bought, a few months ago).

If I decided something, and he suspected that the decision was taken regarding Eric's best interest, and not his (even if it would be the best for both), he'd resent it.

Anyway, John didn't succeed in spoiling the trip for us. The weather was fantastic, and we had a great time.

Even though we took a long while to get there (a four-hour drive became a 8-hour one), due to excessive traffic, and we got there and there was no restaurant opened, at 11 o'clock in the night (the island can be quite provincial, specially for a touristic place, at carnival's eve), that forced us to expand our search for food. And that worked out great. We found a japanese style bistro (that looked so fancy, we thought that we might be able to afford just one sushi. To share), but it ended up being very reasonably priced.

And the food!

We ordered a portion of oysters that were smoked and flamed in champagne. You have no idea, that was the best shell fish I've ever had! And we drank aloïs-vera juice. I didn't even know that existed, but that was so soft, and fool of grapeish flakes. Oh, what a gastronomic experience!

And the trip only got better from there.

I gotta tell you more soon!

Prenuptial

2010-02-10T02:42:00.000-08:00

On a brighter side, Eric and I have been talking very seriously about our relationship. I know he thinks like me in many aspects, as in the importance of monogamy, sincerity and full disclosure. So we decided to test ourselves.

And I'm glad to tell that we are both negative for HIV, hepatitis and other STDs, as our basic blood tests (blood cell count, hepatic function, thyroid function...) are completely normal.

Yay us!

PS: Before the results came, I have told him that I didn't care what they were, that it wouldn't change anything between us. We'd just have to be more careful then.

Godzilla X Mothra (part II)

2010-02-10T02:17:00.000-08:00

I knew John (my best friend forever) to be possessive, but it's getting on my nerves now.

As I've posted earlier, he was upset that I decided to come back earlier from the island, and he let me know that.

I explained my reasons, which were that my boyfriend Eric couldn't stay there longer (and I see not much sense in staying in a "gay mecca" alone if I can be with my bf) and that my niece is going to be in town and I want to be with her, and introduce her to Eric. John didn't care, though, and decided to let his spoiled side emerge.

Yesterday he called me that he'd like to invite a friend to the trip. And he chose one that he knows I find very annoying, Wallace. Do you know that kind of guy that thinks he's a blast, and make jokes that maybe only teenagers might find amusing (unless they have received some formal education)? I have nothing else against him, he's a nice guy, overall, but I just can't listen to him for more than a few minutes, I actually believe that he should have been homaged in the torture museum.

But I know John likes him, so I said it would be OK with me. I'm going to spend time with Eric, anyway, not with the jester.

I guess John would rather me being not OK with it, because he was not satisfied, then. He decided that we should go with Wallace's car. I had told him before that Eric had already offered his car, and that I thought that was very considerate of him, and that it would make Eric proud to contribute to the trip. I reminded him that, and he said that we should take both cars, then.

John is not stupid, he knows car ownership is power when it comes to a trip. He wants to be in charge to the point where he prefers spending more in gas (and he does not have the means to, until he inherits his parents money).

Godzilla X Mothra

2010-02-05T02:03:00.000-08:00

Hello, guys, sorry I haven't been having much chance to respond to your comments, but I will soon!

Anyway, I thought of telling you of a situation that's been going on. John, my BFF has been acting out (just a little bit) on the newly developed and extremely fast grown closeness I developed to Eric.

One week from now, it's going to be Carnival, and I already had plans to drive to the island with John. Actually, the plan was to traveling single and having a ball (no pun intended, eheheheh), as we did at New Year's Eve. The "being single" part of the plan has already gone *POOF*, but I am glad, for I am the kind of guy that have more fun alongside a boyfriend, than alone with multiple one-night-standers.

What really annoyed John was the destiny of the few days after Carnival, that I have reserved at the inn. Eric won't be able to stay, and I prefer coming back with him than staying at the island with John.

I guess John forgot that when I reserved those extra days, he was ambivalent, for he felt that it would be a waste of money (John works at a organization that's very cheap to its employees, and, although he comes from a very wealthy family, that keeps him well dressed and provided for, he can't afford to eat out sometimes).

I haven't had the chance to check it out yet (I've been posting via institutional e-mail from the city hall, whose internet accesses are highly controlled), but John said, seemingly jokingly, that he sent me an angry letter, for my personal e-mail.

Anyway, I'm sure that I'll think of something, for I really love them both.

(OK, I have already pronounced the L word to Eric, eheh, and he pronounced it back, with his eyes full of happy tears)

And so the attacks begin

2010-02-04T02:32:00.000-08:00

I wish I could tell you that the Belly Couple would just greet Eric happily into the family, but, as anyone could foresee, they are just not like that.

My mother's house is usually not the tidiest, although very clean, but now they are just leaving things on the floor! There were a computer A/C source on the crystal vase by the TV set, and they let a hideous mosquito zapping "racket" laying around. I'm just glad that he does not mind that mess much, even though he's an architect.

And that may be his biggest mistake! If he cared about the mess enough to leave, they wouldn't have to try harder. Yesterday was an extremely hot day, and the Bellies' cat is in the heat. What's their take on the problem (even though i told them time and again to neuter her)? How about locking all the house, doors and windows? Naturally I opened it all up at the first chance they weren't around.

After Eric got there, she began the locking up process again, except for the windows on the room we were at. But she had the nerve to close the door without even asking. I waited a few minutes and opened it up again. She came, as a train, with sleeping mask on her face, a phone by her ear and bath robe, and almost yelled: "Maggie is gonna run away!".

I just answered as nicely and politely as I could: "Oh, that's right, would you please lock her in her room?" (yes, the cat's got a room of her own, that the Belly Female uses as a closet/storage unit/"kennel").

No, I didn't sound ironic.

On the other hand, the other gracious hand, Eric and my mother just love each other! Yesterday she told me:

"I just don't get why you suffered so much in previous break ups, for you reconstruct yourself so well, and now you are so happy"

To which I replied: "are you trying to say that I shouldn't suffer if I and Eric break up?"

And she said, smiling: "you know that's not what I mean, I'm just saying that you wouldn't be single for him if you were still dating some of those morons you were with previously".

I thought that was really sweet of her. By her tone, I could understand that she considered Eric differently. And then I told her how different he was. I let her know that he's a very affectionate person to me, and that he's been well raised, and that we share similar ideas about how relationships should work (he does not want open relationships, threesomes...). And that he really seems to be into me.

They chatted for a while yesterday, and they are obviously not just being polite, they seem to like their time together.

And that just feels so good! I know it mustn't be easy for her to let herself enjoy her son's boyfriend, but she's trying. And I know she's doing that for me. And Im just glad that Eric makes that so much easier for her. And he told me how nice he thinks she is, and that he really liked her, specially because he never thought he would have present the figure of the mother-in-law. He is grateful for that.

Meeting the family

2010-02-03T02:38:00.000-08:00

So it came the dreaded meet-the-family day and maybe scaring the boyfriend away (even though they've briefly seen each other at my grandfather's 7th day passing mess).

I chose not to warn him against the Belly Couple, for I didn't want him to meet the always-hungry pair already predisposed against them (after all, maybe I'm just too critical, and maybe they could get along fine, it would be nice).

Hope is such an over-rated emotion, though! My brother was polite, and even seemed to have tried to be nice (he even smiled at Eric, to my surprise), on the other hand, she couldn't help being her usual grumpy. I don't think it was very noticeable, maybe Eric just thought she was too busy to get out of the computer when a possible new member of the family entered the house for the first time.

On the bright side, Eric and my mother seem to have really clicked it off! They talked, and laughed, and even played with my buckyballs together (I just got them, and they both loved my belated Christmas gift to self). They talked about architecture (he's an architect), about his dog (he brought him along), and so on. He texted me later telling that he couldn't help himself but tell a friend that he's got the best mother-in-law ever (and he does not like to talk to the friends about how great we are doing, for he's afraid of their envy).

I know, though, that my mother does not embrace entirely the concept of her son being gay, even though she accepts it more than she wants to believe. She is from an older generation, very catholic, and chooses to blame herself and my father for my sexuality. No matter what I say, she says she won't change her mind, and that she is sorry for we, homosexuals, having to live "such a sad life".

I appreciate that even though she thinks that way, she respects me and does not express those feelings (often).

Anyway, I told Eric how she feels, because I don't want him to get disappointed if she says something inappropriate. He said he understands.

And that reminds me that I haven't posted about my grandfather's passing.

We weren't very close. As a matter of fact, he was not close to anyone in the family but my father and my uncle. And he was a rude man, that drank a lot and made it all about him all the time. He would get out of any family occasion if a friend called. The Belly Male used to seek his approval, but I just gave up. Once we met downtown and he asked me if I was going to have ballet classes, when I told him I was going to the club.

So I wasn't moved by his passing. I didn't even visit him at the hospital.

Until I saw a series of book at Erics library just as I was going to the funeral. My grandfather have given them to me as I was a kid, for he believed I really loved natural wonders and traveling.

And then I understood that he once liked me. And that made me cry.

Sleep disorder

2010-01-29T02:58:00.000-08:00

Hello, my dear, dear readers!

Erik and I are really excited about each other. And that's been proving to be so exhausting!

I've been sleeping at his place every night this week, but there wasn't much actual sleep involved.

We just can't get to his place that the kissing gets so much hotter (even though we don't even mind kissing at the mall, book store, car...). I'm lucky that he's one of those guys that kiss with the whole body (and so is he, in that case).

And it's so much fun fooling around with someone that's shorter (almost 20cm - 7.5inches) and lighter than you are! You can "throw" him around in bed, you can hold him with one arm only (while the other fools around), you can hold him standing up, while...! Oh, that's so good!

And the fun goes into the night, as I have a bit of a sleep disorder. It's not unusual for me to wake my partner up with pelvic thrusts (while I'm still sleeping, but it's OK, I wake up in the middle of the fun). And I guess that my somnambulism has been very exacerbated these last days!

Then, after we wake up in the morning... well, let's just say that I've been getting late to work at city hall every day!

But the most gratifying of it all is that we are not just about hot and passionate love. We just can't stop chatting! We get into the night talking about everything we can. It's like we can't let go, that we have to be connected constantly.

But as we eventually fall asleep, it's so sweet, because we do so in each other arms. The tighter we hug, the better.

I'm happy.

Belly couple update

2010-01-27T05:24:00.001-08:00

My number one reader, Marie, reminded me that I haven't said a word about the Belly Couple in a while, attributing it to the good period I'm living. I agree with her, as usual. Anyway, it's not fair to keep you out of the loop, so here it goes. The Belly Couple is as active as ever in their senseless territorial dispute.

The belly female is acting a little ruder than usual. Or maybe "cruder", is the word to describe the behavior, unless you consider that she may pretend to become more and more unrefined out of spite. She quit her job to wait for some post graduation to start, so she's around a lot. In her bath robe (it was never my household habit to condone not getting dressed for the day). She lays dows on the living room sofas, and rest her feet on the cushions. She does not greet me or my mother when she wakes up and she does not help in the chores.

My brother, the belly male, is the usual mess. Even though they took some reportedly very nice vacations, that's not the comments that come out of his mouth. He's always complaining. Wether about making less money than he should, or not being able to get a house of his own... And apparently he does not complain to ask for advice, because he just ignores them, and continue whining.

They've got a cat, that they don't seem to care about so much, as they don't even wash its bowl before refilling it. And they know that having a pet at home does take some adjustment for all the cohabitants. What could they do, but... get another cat?

How am I taking it in? I'm just not. I've got so much going on in my life that they became minor characters in my lifestory.

They could get to me through my mother, though. She demonstrated the need to fight it, but she felt so intimidated and powerless, that her ideas were always unfeasible or just plain pointless.

But I'm not that paralyzed. I had a plan. I was able to make my mother join my gym, at our club.

And she just seems to have loved it! She's got the chance to move her body, and to socialize, and gets home so tired that she may not care as much about their pityful behavior anymore! Hopefully!

And he just got attractive. Very attractive.

2010-01-26T03:25:00.000-08:00

Would you guys please forgive me I haven't posted for so long? And would you like me to tell you all about the reason? Well, if so, I hope you don't mind a really long post.

Well, do you remember Eric, the guy that I really, really liked as a friend, but who became unattractive because I was sure he was too insecure not to self-sabotage a relationship?

We decided to talk. Psychiatrist-to-potential lover. And he really opened up, for hours.

That made me realize that I was right. He will definitely self-sabotage any future relationship. Unless...

And that's where my expertise comes in. I know I can actually get to the root of his issues. And he showed himself so opened to that! He really wants to, and he demonstrated great respect to my capacity to, so it won't even be difficult.

So, after a few more dates since the last time I posted, we decided to give it a try.

And I am soooo glad we did so! He's in love with me and I'm in love with him! I am so happy. Interestingly, it's very intense, but, at the same time, so peaceful to be with him.

And the sex is just great! So passionate and intense! And often! And he looooves to cuddle, as I do. He's a great kisser and we can chat for hours and hours.

As if it weren't enough to put a huge smile on my face, he's the sweetest thing to ever cross my path! He so gets me! He gets that I'm excited about my new level of fitness, and he is not competitive or insecure about it. He enjoys it, and he doesn't consider me too full of myself, he understands that I'm just excited about a bodyshape I never had before!

I am not blind to the difficulties ahead. I know he's got issues to be worked, or it will all go down the drain.

But, anyway, even his dog liked me! Yesterday they walked to my house to pick me up. And it turned out to be one of the greatest Monday nights ever, no matter he lost his house keys and we spent hours looking for them, or that he had "leaches" using the back-wing of his house and were annoyed by it (I'll tell about them soon).

Hey, I'm nice, not easy!

2010-01-19T12:59:00.001-08:00

So, the boys that traveled with me for new year's eve just sent me a few more of the pics they had taken.

And I'll take the opportunity to tell you guys about a delicate situation my "new and improved" fitness level caused. The friends that were in that water pic with me are a couple (they sent the pics). And one of them started to hit on me after we came back. I had to be my most diplomatic self to avoid him feeling "dumped" and not to get into his game as well.

As they are actually John's friend, not mine, I showed him the compromising e-mails sent, and conferred about the situation. He thinks it's best we don't tell anything to the boyfriend of the cheater, but to be there for him if (actually, when) something happens.

PS: the aussiebum trunks were indeed quite sheer, as you can see, eheheh

And the universe got officially scary (well, almost)

2010-01-19T05:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to the movies with John (Avatar, on IMAX, what an jaw-dropping experience!), then I was texted by a guy I met at an online dating site.

He seemed to be nice and everything (he's a MD, trying to become a psychiatrist), but he had postponed our meeting a few times, so I took it as a sign of disinterest, and it made me not really excited to get together (well, he was no greek god as well).

I believe I may have accepted his invitation just because I felt like doing something, as I'm on vacations and everything. OK, I might have been carried away by John, who had a hot date for after the movies. Nevertheless, I was not interested on him as a man or a date. I just wanted to get out with a friend, and he'd serve the purpose (he was not interested on me, I conclude due to his past behavior, nor was I on him).

Anyway, I went to the guy's place, and he seemed intimidated by my presence ("oh, don't mind the mess, don't mind this, don't mind that" to an extreme), so I suggested we might have fun if we went to a bar.

As we got to the place, Charlie was there. I said hello, and he turned a "shrek's puss-in-boots" wide-eyed expression at me, expecting me to... I don't know, listening to his whining? Falling for his charms?

Well, right ahead of him I saw Brendan, a guy I've had a brief (sexual) encounter with shortly after my divorce, but who is the sweetest person (though I was just too confused at the time to even keep in touch).

Obviously I went over him to give him a tender hug. And just forgot about Charlie's games.

But the universe and its weird coincidences didn't stop there! I wasn't too excited about the new guy, so Brendan accepting the invitation to stay with us (he was on his way out) was just what I needed to make the night fun.

And it turned out to be great! We three chatted for hours (even though the new guy didn't make any effort to include Brendan on the conversation - well, I did).

Problem solved. Holy insecurities, batman!

2010-01-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

I guess I don't have to worry about my nice yet unattractive neighbor feelings being hurt anymore. They must have already been.

Even though he looked like a young boy, he was such a nice person, and so physically affectionate that I decided to kiss him back, and that was wrong of me. If I wanted us to be friends, I should have let it clearer to him.

And it let me in such a bad place, for I wouldn't want to hurt him.

Nature ran its course, anyway.

I had already noticed that he was very insecure about his looks. What I didn't know was that it made him scared. And yesterday the self-sabotage began (no, I don't think I'm that special, but I noticed that he really liked me, so that's the explanation I came up with... bear with it, lol)

He asked me if I would mind postponing our date for a few hours. Much later than expected, he texted me telling me that he'd had fun and asking about my day.

As I took a while to answer, he sent another message assuming I wouldn't answer him.

It's sad to notice someone not fulfilling his potential. I hope he takes me in as a friend, so I can shake that brain up a little.

Well, off to the gym now!

Dating and unattractive sweet guy

2010-01-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was cruising an online dating site and found a guy that lived very close to my house. We instant messaged each other for a while, then agreed to meet at a nearby park.

I hadn't even seen a clear picture of him, but he was a very pleasant person to chat.

For my surprise, he was very different than I pictured him. He was very short (I'm quite tall), and had the general looks (and voice) of a teenager, even though he was 26yo and wore a beard to try looking older.

We thought of riding somewhere else, so he had to change, and we went to his place. He put on some DVDs and we chatted for a long while, and then he kissed me.

And I kissed him back.

He was a good kisser and an interesting person to chat with, and he was so tender! Always touching me so sweetly. How could I resist?

Before it got more serious, I suggested a movie (Sherlock Holmes - great flick, by the way, I just didn't get the fighting scenes, I guess it was meant for the straight guys audience), and later went for a bite.

As I drove him back home, we talked about what happened, and that we should think about it. He seems to be very excited about me, but he seems to be afraid to get hurt as well.

I just don't know what to do. I really like him as a person, and we had a great time. I don't feel attracted to him, though, because I know that he's just too insecure. And I know that it will lead to him (sooner or later) self-sabotage the relationship. Ans that's so not attractive!

Well, I guess that answers my question. Another friend. I just hope I can convey that message without hurting him.

Sex and the city

2010-01-11T06:58:00.000-08:00

So guys, after having a ball at the island, I'm back to my town, but still on vacations. The first few days have been a little slow, for I needed some rest after all the fun, poorly slept nights and driving, but soon I was back on the game.

And I decided ("decided" being the keyword to this sentence) to have a little more fun. As John, my BFF, is already working, I had to find my own fun. And I'm not referring to working out (although I'm back to it after a few days, and working harder than before)...

I hit a relationship network, and posted some of my new pics. As you can imagine, the feedback was great. And as I'm not desperate anymore to get into a serious relationship (I think that when it comes, I'll just greet it with an open heart, but I'm not chasing after anyone!), an horizon just opened up to possibilities.

And I've had fun with three of those already. The first two guys were not very much of what I expect (even though I'm not in a marrying state of mind, I think that marriage material is extremely hot), so I just had kissing fun with them (well, the second one managed to scratch my back in the car, eheheh).

Nice guys, but the first one was obviously lying about everything (and I didn't even care, as I'll probably never hear from him again), and the second one was in such a different life phase from me (his best friend is a fifteen year-old neighbor girl).

The third was hotter (ie, marriage material). So we went to bed together, eheheheh. And it was so fast, we met, we had a great time chatting at some mall, we went back to his friends' place to feed the cat, we kissed and we went to bed. And he was quite good, actually.

Afterwards we ate something and went out with John and Wesley to dance at some club. It was nice, good fun (and as he was hot, I had to constantly disguise my excitement, when we occasionally kissed).

Anyway, I don't think that we are going anywhere from here. He's not that interested in a relationship (I could just sense how colder he got as I dropped him at his place, and the next day, when I called and before I even suggested doing something, he made it clear that he was soooo busy). Well, his loss. The messages keep coming at the relationship site. And I AM going back to the island for carnival.

More importantly, I had one positive night out!

I ran into some people from my past that greeted me very tenderly, and those who didn't, as the 51yo psychologist I had hooked up before Karl (Logan), seemed such a small presence, that I just couldn't even seem to care about (even when he tried to make me jealous, kissing scandalously some kind of Axl Rose wannabee every time he crossed my path).

What can I conclude? That my presence must irritate him... Well, I hope he grows out of it... Even though over half a century in this world didn't seem to have had the job done.

I guess that me looking happy and good will have its repercussions, eheheh (besides, was I dressed nicely, with an aussiebum T-shirt and Energie jeans)!

This was the best of Réveillons. Period. (part 6 - and so we had to leave)

2010-01-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

January the second was not as full of events as the first, but was still fun. We went to the beach, played in the water, chatted a lot... I was not so much in the kissing mood anymore, though. Maybe I was afraid of the consequences. Who would the universe want me to meet then???

But we did run into Charlie, that was very drunk, and made a pass on me, but it was visible that it was a hateful pass, that he just wanted to pull me back to his manipulative game. He must have been so blind that he didn't even care that the guy he was kissing heard it.

And I was so happy I was able to spot the hate and block me from it!

Later that day I was so glad to see that the magazine to which I wrote an article was being distributed at the beach!

The universe wasn't ready, though. There was one more coincidence in store. Some guy with a great looking body came over me and asked me if I remembered him.

It was the guy I kissed on the roadside!

It was so dark when I kissed him, that I didn't realize how gorgeous he was! I guess I was so astonished that I didn't even took his contact. I just hope I didn't get myself another mr. Scent!

When we came back to the inn, the son of the owner and his wife had prepared us some fantastic grilled fish on it's own eggs. Oh, did it taste good! I guess they really liked us!

And so we came back. A very peaceful road trip (because we woke at 4am, to avoid the traffic, that was to be the heaviest in ages!)

This was the best of Réveillons. Period. (part 5 - and it was the summer of Gaga, Snickers and roadside kisses)

2010-01-07T10:45:00.000-08:00

And so came the first day of 2010. And it seems to have come with such a huge astral charge, that it's hard to find a logical reasoning to refute that!

I was in a great mood. Even though we slept late, we woke up early and it was a beautiful day. The rain was gone, the sky was blue and everything seemed to be in just the right place.

I and John went to the beach before the boys did (we didn't care to wait for them, for we wouldn't waste a single minute of such a day), found a table for us on the sand (the last available at the main gay bar of the beach) and just sat and relaxed.

That's when the coincidences began. Well, let's call it coincidences, for lack of a better name for it.

I ran into the DJ I have some kind of history with (do you remember the Ladyhawke spell?), and even though I think he's really a great guy, and that it's not his fault he wasn't interested at me, the universe seems to have decided to set some kind of record straight. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear, but when we ran into each other, it's like we have swapped bodies! My body is so much better than his now! I guess he must have been using anabolic steroids before.

I can't emphasize enough, I didn't work out for vanity, it was my psychotherapy, but when you surpass someone who is in it for the looks, it seems that you have poked their hearts out! You should see the look on his face. I must add that I wasn't glad that he lost his looks, but it was obvious that he got frustrated on the role inversion. When I told John, he just couldn't believe (unlike me, he was allowed to have fun with the situation, eheheh)

Later I went to the sea, just to play in the water, and some guys approached me. Of them, I really got engaged by a lawyer's chat. Just for the chat, serious. At one point, though, he commented: "I feel so much like kissing you right now, doctor". To which I answered: "and what's holding you back?".

We chatted a little longer, kissed a little more, in the sea and on the sand, and exchanged phone numbers. It felt good, fun, and a little naughty. I had to put my shorts on to disguise the effects of the kissing on my trunks...

It may have been a coincidence, but I had just run into some dear friends from the island (the guys on the first pic of this post) when Charlie saw me. He was polite enough to come say hello, and, after I said hello back, I replied, as politely as I could that I had just run into some friends, but I would give him some attention in a minute, and he pointed me where he would be on the sand.

Who says I would remember that promise? I completely forgot it and chatted for a long, long time with my friends. And then I came back to my spot, maybe even walking over Charlie (the beach was so full)... I had no recollection at all that he'd be there.

After telling everything to John again (what a good listener, eheheh, and I'm glad he has to have fun with my stories), I went back to the ocean and another guy almost attacked me with kisses! Lucky him he was cute. I wasn't very interested, though, then I got out of the water, sidetracked him, and ran into the lawyer again. And kissed again.

Coincidence or not, that's when Charlie ran into me for the second time. This time, though, my upbringing made me be more cordial. He seemed even more frustrated than the DJ to see me shirtless. He actually seemed full of contained anger. And I'm glad he did so, because his chat was so negative, that the little I could still feel for him just vanished.

John was glad about that conclusion as well. And he was glad that Charlie wouldn't take the shirt off in front of me, ehehehhe.

Who else could I find at the beach but Owen? The guy Phil had cheated on me with? My first reaction was to ignore him, and turn my back to him, so that I wouldn't be recognized. John hid behind me. Then we thought, what the ...? We didn't do anything wrong, so we started to dance, like many guys around were doing. And he spotted us and came to say hi.

I don't know what kind of power took over me, but I was very nice and even brought up that many coincidences had been happening, and that we had just seen Jerry, his ex. I don't know why I mentioned that, for I had no idea the impact it would have on him. But he just changed his appearance. He must have gone to some very dark place and then just went away. Hardly said goodbye.

I didn't mean to have had such effect on these guys, and I didn't rejoice on that. I just thought it was very interesting that the universe, or some higher power aligned so many coincidences on the same day.

To finish the day, I, John and one of the boys went to a burger stand by the inn and had some, well, burgers. We were there for a long time, and chatted a lot. And we were so glad that we didn't have to get the car to get to the beach, for the traffic was chaotic! The cars would pass by the stand so slowly!

One of the cars caught our attention, though. Five gay guys inside looking at us, not very worried to disguise their intentions...

John and our friend were very excited. Well, so was I, but I decided to be just a little playful about the situation, as I knew traffic wasn't flowing.

I said that we should just let the car pass. And we did... We finished our meals, paid our bill and went in the direction of the inn, by the roadside. So we crossed them again. And chatted a little.

The traffic moved a little, so did them, but we, on foot, soon met them (we walked, never ran, eheh). And chatted a little more.

We did it three times before I just kissed one of them through the window. He was so cute, complimenting my figure, and saying how good-looking I was... I just had to, even though he seemed to be just the average looking guy. And I'm glad I did so.

After that we went to the gas station where John introduced me to the Snickers chocolate bar (which I just adored, and we ate many times since then) and went back to the inn.

PS: Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" was playing everywhere, specially at my car, and I guess it just set the mood of the season for everyone.

This was the best of Réveillons. Period. (part 4 - new year's eve)

2010-01-07T06:57:00.000-08:00

The evening was even better than the day, even though the little diva tried to establish some kind of dominance.

John's friend was amiable, but not a compromising kind of guy. Whatever he decided just had to be done.

He decided to cook a turkey he had gained at work, but, even though he had never cooked a bird, he decided that if he cooked it without aluminum foil, in high flames and at the bottom of the stove (taking off the shelves), it would taste delicious, no matter what the instructions on the package said. I had to just correct everything when I got there, ignoring his protests.

Then he decided to fight traffic to see the fireworks at downtown island. But the traffic at the island, at holidays is usually just impossible. We'd probably spend the night driving. So me and John, that usually think alike, instructed them to take the bus, and that we would stay at the beach and watch the fireworks of the surrounding hotels.

We were wrong, though, and there was almost no traffic (as it had rained all day, people were already downtown, I guess), so we ended up there as well, and met the boys. We had, again, a great time.

The boys got drunk, but me and John didn't (I don't drink), so we just watched the fireworks, hugged a lot, and even chatted up some guys.

This was the best of Réveillons. Period. (part 3 - eve's day)

2010-01-07T06:43:00.000-08:00

The first day at the island was not as expected, for it rained all day long, though intermittently. We decided to take a walk, no matter the rain.

Our inn was not by the beach, we had to walk approximately 1km by a road, to get there. Or longer to other beaches.

Even though there wasn't supposed to be anyone at the beach, we decided to risk it, and it turned out to be a good idea. The water was great, and there were even a few people at the main gay bar there. We ended up having a great time, the water was warm and we played like kids!

This was the best of Réveillons. Period. (part 2 - the roadtrip)

2010-01-07T04:44:00.000-08:00

I took December the 30th off at work, so that I could drive rested to the island (that's 300km from my town). Well, far from it.

My niece was here, so I took the day mainly to give her some well deserved attention, which means I didn't even go to the gym or rested. Besides, I had to have my hair cut (I had it cut shorter than usual, and it looked great, even though I was very insecure that it might not... I decided to just trust in the stylist) and to shop for groceries for the travel.

As my niece was to leave January the 2nd, it was my last chance to have some quality time with her, at least this time. And I'm glad I managed that.

At 6pm, I was already packed and waiting for John at his workplace, then we picked the other three boys near theirs.

I must confess, though, that their appearance kind of startled me, for they seemed to be very, very simple persons. If I were a poser, I'd freak out and cancel the whole thing, but as I am not, I decided to greet them with an open mind. And two of them were great guys (the bf and the bf's friend), but John's friend was a little too much of a diva... Everything had to be his way.

I'm too well schooled to let it disturb me, though. And I may be in a positive place in my life, but I won't let myself be pushed around. Besides, I had John always backing me up in any voting. And when it came to some major decision, as the time to leave, for instance, well, the car is mine, eheheh. And, to my surprise, even though we had to negotiate some times, I did it so positively, that it didn't even disturb me. I wouldn't let it.

Anyway, back to the trip... The traffic was heavier than usual, but still not what it would probably be later that day (we were on the road almost immediately after 6pm, when most people are still getting out of their works and going home to pick their families) or at the 31st.

At some point halfway there, we decided to stop at some random gas station for bathroom and snacks, and I think that was the point in which the universe decided to play some games, look who we met:

- Do you remember the crying girl from the gay pride parade? She was there! I didn't even recognize her, she recognized me, but what a coincidence! And she looked great (well, first of all, she wasn't crying). I guess I wouldn't recognize her, for she actually looked so much prettier now that she seemed happy. I guess she's like one of those mood rings (a weird ring that would appear in key points of my life), she just reflected me!

- I don't know if I told you guys this, but when Phil cheated on me, he did so with a guy that was in a relationship, Owen. At the time, the couple got close to us, and Owen's bf (Jerry) was the sweetest guy. I felt really sorry for him at the time, for he was going through the same as me, though they decided to stay together. Well, we met Jerry (single now), and had the chance to chat a little. He still had that wide captivating smile, and was very warm. I even sensed some interest from him (and if I do so, it must be there, because I'm usually very slow in sensing that).

- the boys also met some guys (one of them met an ex-bf), but if it means something, I wouldn't know.

We arrived at midnight at the Inn, and the owners, a fisherman that made himself and the Inn from scratch and his wife, as well as his son, also a fisherman, with the wife. They were very receptive and kind, making us feel at home immediately.

This was the best of Réveillons. Period. (part 1 - the contextualization)

2010-01-07T04:13:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear bleaders! I'm sorry about my absence, but you'll be glad to know that I have so much to tell you, and that it seems to be all good news!

I traveled to the island that's one of the top two destination for gay guys in my country in New Year Eve's and Carnival. Some weeks ago, me and John decided to go, and we got lucky, for someone quit a reservation in an Inn very close to the beach where our people gather.

As the apartment was meant for five people, John invited a friend of his and the respective bf, and the bf also invited a friend. I didn't know any of them, but the more the merrier! And I wasn't going to invite someone I knew, beforehand, to be a negative presence, as Ty or Charlie.

Even though my niece being here made it very difficult for me to leave, I decided that I should so, because I have an obligation to myself to live my life. And I couldn't break my word with John.

Besides, I may not be superstitious, but I decided to have my mind set to a positive place before I traveled. I have come such a long way this year, in terms of getting in touch with myself and my surroundings, in personal growth, and in cultivating a more positive approach to life, that I just wouldn't risk the chance to let it all go down the drain in the break of 2010. And I believe that it just made the difference.

This was the best of Christmases, this was the worst of Christmases (part 4)

2009-12-28T16:44:00.000-08:00

I hope I have the change to write more before 2009 ends, but if I don't have the chance (or if I don't have anything interesting to say), I want to end this year postage on a positive not. And that's why I named this series of posts "This was the best of Christmas, this was the worst of Christmas".

The first three posts described the worst, but there was a best.

And the best related to my 1y8m old niece.

She is a very special kid, and she lightens up any room she's in. She's so full of joy, she's smart, she does say the darndest things and she touches you and makes you feel like you are so important. Oh, there's so much more I could tell about her. She gets so happy just to know she's going to the Club Pool, she gets happy to sing along some silly DVD, to run after the BC's cat...

I am lucky to know her. She's the kryptonite to my invisibility.

This was the best of Christmases, this was the worst of Christmases (part 3)

2009-12-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

The Belly Couple (BC)... Oh, I almost feel sorry for them. They get so agitated when they sense an opportunity were it would be really, really nice if they passed by unnoticeable.

My older brother, the BC male, always had difficulty accepting my sister-in-law (who is the sweetest person one could ever find), the one married to Henry. He wouldn't be opened about it, though, he would just demonstrate it with passive-aggressiveness. I guess it may be related to him, in some level, resenting Henry for some ill-resolved Oedipus Complex, or something like that...

Henry does not notice that clearly, he just senses the heavy atmosphere. And I guess he feels confused, because he does like our older brother.

Considering it all, it was only natural my mother would snap. At me.

She had just received an aggressive phone call from my aunt, and she tried to talk to the BC about some of their passive-aggressiveness towards Henry, through his wife. So he yelled at her, and left, and she ended up yelling at me, when I tried to calm her down. The worst is that what she yelled at me made no sense at all!

I felt like storming out, I felt like making something so that she would regret it, but then I noticed that I was just fantasizing cathartic options. That I would never do any of this, that I had to understand her situation, and hold it all in.

I realized that I had the right to imagine anything, and that just imagining that I could make something that would erase my invisibility made me feel good. And that was enough for me.

Better yet: just knowing that I could be a terrible (yet visible) person, and that I would refrain from that because she really needed me to act as a lightning rod mad me feel really powerful.

And I guess that's the greatest thing about invisibility. It is a super-power indeed. Just not in the way we usually envision it.

This was the best of Christmases, this was the worst of Christmases (part 2)

2009-12-28T16:09:00.000-08:00

I guess there's no sugar-coating it, my 88yo grandmother is supposedly being held hostage by my 70yo aunt, in another town.

That town's Social Service called my mother to interview her about denounces on the situation.

When my grandmother decided to live with that aunt, 20 years ago, the family knew that, it would be tough, because my aunt is an extremely difficult person, and an extremely intelligent one. She always made any visit for my grandmother extremely uncomfortable. On the other hand, my grandmother always felt like she was in debt with her, so she would defend her. And she decided to live in that situation, more than once.

The last few months, though, she made it virtually impossible for us to see my grandmother. She would not answer the door, and, if needed would make us see her in some public place.

You can only imagine the effect it had on my recently widowed mother.

So, probably smelling trouble in the air, my aunt brought my grandmother to spend Christmas here, and they stayed at my other aunt's house.

It made everything more tense.

My other aunt, the one in whose house they were staying, got very anxious about it all, and decided to be aggressive about it all with my mother (who's spending her first Christmas without her husband)

I don't know yet were it all will lead, but trouble announces itself...

This was the best of Christmases, this was the worst of Christmases (part 1)

2009-12-28T15:33:00.000-08:00

I feel invisible. That's supposed to be one of the coolest super-powers, but it's just not as much fun as one might wonder.

Let me just contextualize you of the facts:
- My brother Henry came to town for the holidays with his wife and my niece.
- My grandmother is being held hostage by her older daughter, my aunt.
- I broke up with Karl.
- The Belly Couple is specially agitated with the arrival of Henry and his family.
- It was Christmas

I haven't had a clue about how to break it all up to you guys, so I just froze and didn't write at all. Sorry about that.

Let me start with Karl. He's a great guy, and I thought he was a great bf in potential. He had been, from the beginning, ambivalent about me, though. He really wanted me in some levels, but in others, he really wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't worthy being loved.

I know that because we went to the movies two days ago, and he was specially distant, so I decided to talk to him about that:

Me: you are not really excited about it all, are you?
Him: no, I'm not, but I am so tired from the trip (a sick aunt of him died Christmas Eve, and he had to visit her).
Me: I don't mean the movies or physical tire, I mean us.
Him: No, it's not that exactly, it's just that today...
Me: You are, aren't you?
Him: What gave it away?
Me: I knew from the beginning that you were ambivalent about me.
Him: Really?
Me: Yes, I always told John about it, and I believe that even interfered with the sex.
Him: ... I guess I need more therapy, those ten years weren't enough. That really sucks, that is really, really unfair with me, why do I have to be like this ??? (breaking down), I'm always like this, I close myself from any relationship. I do that with friends, even! I can literally visualize me going inside a shell, like a clam, when guys, or friends, or anyone else come too close!
Me (being psychotherapeutic): I won't analyze you (already doing it, without him noticing), but if you were a patient I could imagine that you had a strong theory about yourself that reflects in your actions. I don't know if that's what happens with you, it's just a possible explanation.
Him: No, I think that's not it, I really don't know what it is, though.
Me: You may be right, it might not be it... On the other hand, it may indeed be a possibility that you self-sabotage yourself, because you have to prove to yourself something, and considering that you were abandoned by you father twice (once when you were a fetus and once when you were 13yo), and that you mother is an alcoholic...
Him: Now that makes sense, I may self-sabotage myself. No, actually, I think I really do.
Me: Maybe you had to create a mechanism to protect yourself from being abandoned. Maybe, in order to survive, you had to believe that nobody would ever want you, and therefore you shouldn't let anyone in.

And it went like that for a long while. I know I wasn't being very technical on the way I applied my psychotherapeutic methods, but I didn't have the time to do it by the book.

At the end, he concluded that he had been, in fact, just doing everything he could not to let down his armor, and that if he didn't change that, he would always be alone. He said he didn't think it was fair with me to ask me to wait for him to change that, and that we shouldn't be together anymore. He insisted I took the gift he had given me (a cooking book), and obviously I let him the t-shirt I had bought him.

I don't feel that bad about it, though, just a little down. I already knew it, after all... As Madonna would sing in Evita: "another suitcase in another hall...". It really sucks, though, it feels like another fail...

Going tantric with Karl

2009-12-20T13:38:00.000-08:00

I've been going out with Karl for a while now, and things seem to be going quite well. He already introduced me to one of his lesbian friends, which he was reluctant to do, he is showing some signs of breach in the no-pda policy and he's generally a nice guy. When they met, he and my BFF John really liked each other.

There may be just a little, tiny thing in the way. The sex. We already had it twice. Well, oh, OK, approximately twice...

The first time neither of us could perform properly, and that is quite unusual for me. I credited it to nervousness, to have to do it in the "B bed" (he actually have two bedrooms in the apartment, and he didn't bring me to his actual bedroom, to him being a little out of shape, and biting too much and too strong, and an infinity of other excuses. I didn't think of excuses for him too, but I'm sure I could think of a ton of them!

The second time, already in the "A bed", the penises decided to collaborate more, but not enough for a full time fun for everyone! We then made a evening out of it (actually, I think we behaved like a perfect lesbian couple), slowly playing and caressing and going from the bed to the bathtub, and bathing each other, using our hands and so on, til we both were satisfied.

What worries me about it is that I may be pulling a Phil on him. Maybe I just like him as a companion, not as a man... I hope that's not it... I hope I'm just nervous about a new beginning...

Oh, let me run, I got some fishes to save!

No pda policy

2009-12-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes even a psychiatrist that likes to believe he is safe from outside stressors for understanding them may be subjected to feeling irrationally irritated.

Yesterday I went to the movies with Karl, the anesthesiologist (Coco Before Chanel, a movie about a dysthymic orphan who has not been a prostitute, they repeat, who has not been a prostitute, that became a stylist).

Karl is nine years older than I am, and maybe for him it's difficult to deal with the concept of holding hands at the theater, even though couples around us were lying on each other or showing other "PDA" (public displays of affection).

It made me feel like Coco, who had to hide when her lover entertained guests.

I do know that there are simple explanations for his behavior, and that he generally means well, but I still felt so aggravated that I didn't even want to enter his apartment later.

Let's see if I can get over this tonight. I do hope so.

Sunday at the park

2009-12-16T14:54:00.000-08:00

Hi guys, sorry for my absence, but to compensate a little bit, I'm posting some dog park pics, taken on Sunday, when I met John and Karl (they loved each other, by the way) and Ty and his friends (these group coincidentally)

As you know, I've been seeing Karl, the anesthesiologist. He may have been initially attracted to my body (as my belly was all he could see at the relationship network), but apparently that's not all he's interested at.

I know it's not fair, poor guy, I'm playing a heavy game. Not only I've been working out like crazy, but I already cooked him the brazil's nuts strogonoff and I have some other personal charms as well.

We've met Sunday (too bad John didn't take his pics as well at the dog park, before we went to watch Paranormal Activity, a great scary movie) and we've met again yesterday (Tuesday), as we had arranged to meet his lesbian friends at the movies. They canceled on us, but he me invited to go see a movie at his apartment instead.

Not only he cooked a very nice salad (as he knows I'm watching my figure), but he went to the trouble of finding a pirate copy of New Moon, as he knew I'm dying to see it (fortunately the copy was too crude too be watched, as I want to see it in the theaters)...

I believe he might be interest in me, as we had plans to see each other Friday and he already wants us to expedite it, and see each other on Thursday first!

I guess that explains why I've been so relapse on my blogging! Sorry again!!!

PS: Ty got offended that I and John didn't invite him to the park, even though he didn't invite us as well, lol.

Brazil's nuts strogonoff

2009-12-12T17:19:00.000-08:00

Hello, you guys!

Yesterday I cooked again. I made brazil's nuts strogonoff, and covered it with chopped hazelnuts, physalis, blueberries and blackberries. It was intended to serve a dual "dessertic" purpose: topping a romantic dinner with Karl and topping a barbecue I was to have with my Mental Health Coordination colleagues.

As you can imagine by the pics, it was doubly successful.

I decided to make the glasses to take to Karl's place, as he had invited me to a whine and cheese night. I thought, hey, he's coming out of his way to seduce me, that's something to be positively rewarded!!! And I'm glad he really liked it (he woke up in the middle of the night to eat what we had left!)

I don't know why, but I was very anxious, so, when we were together, my performance suffered a little (and later I had trouble sleeping, which is rare with me), but still so, he seems to be eager to get to know me better. That's a good sign, right? Anyway, I've been very anxious lately, I don't understand why, but I can see it clearly, specially when I'm driving or with someone.

Well, on a more positive note, the dessert was a success with my colleagues as well. They couldn't stop praising it! I'm glad I had the chance to do something nice for them, for I really love them!!! And the barbecue was great fun, everyone were just relaxed and had a great time!

Back on the horse

2009-12-09T02:11:00.000-08:00

Logan may have been a confused boy (a 51 year-old confused boy, anyway), but I won't let him drag me down with him.

He's been texting me messages like "hi gorgeous, how are you? Many kisses!", but I won't play his game. He wanted someone to play hard to get? Well, beware your wishes... I'm not playing it. I'm not unpolite, though, I always answer his texts: "I'm fine, thanks, hugs!"

Aaaanyway... I won't mourn over him. I already met another guy yesterday. And he seems to be great. Wish me luck, guys!

And I guess Logan is gone too

2009-12-07T01:47:00.000-08:00

Logan, the older guy I have been seeing for the last couple of weeks had a positive profile, if you are looking for a relationship. But I guess he does not believe in profiles.

Or maybe he was just a rebel. Who would guess that a guy that is a renowned psychologist, an older guy (51), with his own apartment (and two parking spots in the garage!) would be in the scene just for "carpe diem"? Who would have guessed he's not interested in building something serious? Well, I wouldn't... Yesterday we had "the talk". I asked him how he saw what was going on, where did he think it'd lead us...

He told me that he'd lived alone for such a long time, that it was hard for him to feel his life scheme invaded (he actually used that word) and that I shouldn't make it so easy on him, that I should play hard to get. If he had subtitles, he'd actually be saying: "it hurts my head thinking of the trouble of letting someone into my life, and the way you are playing is just not seductive enough to me".

Well, message received. I knew from the beginning he was ambivalent about me. I just don't think it's wise to get into a relationship where the guy seems to think that if he were to change, I'd be the ideal bf, instead of getting into one in which one would feel compelled to be with me, would feel attracted to me.

Extra, extra! I won't go to the gym!

2009-12-03T11:54:00.000-08:00

Well, it's newsworthy indeed! I haven't missed a day of gym in 9 months, except for the time when I traveled for a few days, and then got the swine flu.

There is a valid excuse for that, though. I am still sleep deprived since Saturday, and I extenuated my legs the day before yesterday (running! Just take your minds off the gutter, eheheheh).

Let me use the spare time to update you a little on the developments.

- I decided to make my own yeast lineage, from scratch. It's actually a fun process, that starts with yogurt, water, raisins and flour, and takes two weeks to complete. Every single day I have a specific task (add some water, flour, dump part of the mix, take off the raisins...)
- Charlie is still making contact, but the contacts are getting a little more determined, as he must have noticed I lost interest. If I give him a little bit of attention, though, he retracts himself again. He must thrive in this hot-and-cold game, but I think it's only mildly interesting to watch, from a safe (emotional) distance
- The psychologist, Logan, plays a game as well, but the rules are different. At least I get to kiss a lot... Sometimes even sex gets in the mix.
- At work, I have a great new project, and that's thrilling.
- The carrion flowers faded, but their stems are very strong, maybe they'll produce fruits this time.
- I succeeded in purchasing the gift I wanted to give my niece form Christmas (thanks, Marie!)
- I'm having my teeth professionally whitened.

Rotten meat flowers

2009-11-30T05:46:00.001-08:00

And nature follows its course. No matter how self involved we tend to become, the world around us continues to spin. In a bizarre way, but it does.

For instance, these are the flowers from a cactus I bought. They smell like rotten meat and look like science fiction. This is the second time it flourishes, and this year, it attracted even more flies. There are always one or two around.

Bizarre? Well, it gets worse. This time the flies laid eggs on them and they hatched. There are little maggots frolicking around the fur covered petals.

I don't know if it was the result of a confused fly in labor or if the flower does that on purpose for the nutrients (maybe it's carnivorous?).

Speaking of confusing behavior, Phil e-mailed me this days very briefly, asking how I was. I, maybe acting like the fly, answered to it, being my usual nice and forgiving self, answered it, by asking about everyone in there, telling about new TV-series I downloaded, and some CDs I'd heard, that I thought might interest him. He, on the other hand, waited a few days and, ignoring my questions or comments, just asked if I wanted the pets for the end of the year...

I am ambivalent about that. I miss them, but I think it's not healthy for them to keep losing me from time to time... I gotta think about it.

Sleepless in...

2009-11-29T04:52:00.000-08:00

Good morning, guys, I've got news for you. Yesterday I met someone through a dating site. We instant messaged each other for a while and then agreed to meet at the cafe I usually go. I wasn't impressed by his physical appearance, but for the quick wit he demonstrated while we chatted online.

When we met, he seemed to be a nice person, a down-to-earth psychologist (older, though, he's 51yo, I'm 34). And he did something unusual, he invited to his friend's house, where their gang were to meet. I liked it, it showed me that he wanted me and his pals to meet. That showed me something about him.

After the friend introducing routine, and a very pleasant evening, he invited me to sleep over. And I accepted!

As I have a city hall lunch today, I had to wake up early in order to be able to go to the gym first. So the deal was that I'd go there only to sleep. Obviously, we broke the pact, eheheheheh...

Only I didn't get much sleep. I slept a little after 5am. I don't know why, but my thoughts were racing. I guess I felt very insecure by being with someone that has actual bf potential.

A little e-life

2009-11-27T01:41:00.000-08:00

While none of my two green-eyed blondes take a stand, I decided to put my new and improved body image on stand. I made a profile in one of those decadent relationship sites. I know, I know, but there may be a few good guys who are recurring to that as well.

You have no idea how great the response was! I have received so many indecent proposals! And I love it. It was an ego-buster, actually, the online version of going to an ugly-people bar. Not only that, but I already made contact with some guys from the island I'll be at new year's eve.

And it was not all that bad. I've had messages from some apparently nice-looks-nice-online-conversations guys.

Now THAT's something to be grateful about!!!

Is it a game? Is it a good game?

2009-11-25T13:56:00.000-08:00

Charlie is playing. Definitely. The question is is he playing for the sake of it, or is he playing because he likes me and that's just the only way he thinks is useful to seduce guys.

I believe he's playing because after all the Sunday night arm feeling and mixed messages, he left a message to me, at a networking site: "Hey boyyyyy... So, what's up? My week is hectic, but I am turned on duracell batteries. Tell me your plans for the week. Hugs, Charlie".

So I called him, saying that I had no specific plans, but I'd like maybe to catch a movie with him or anything else. He told me all about his week, and that he wouldn't have time to do anything with me. Why does he imply in his message, then, that he'd have the energy to do something with me, depending on my plans?

Anyway, I don't have the time nor the energy for games, so I decided not to expect anything from him. If he snaps out of it and decides to play nice, I'm there for him. Otherwise, I won't care. I'm not in love with him, he is just a nice candidate.

Speaking of candidates, though, as I was frustrated about all that Charlie Kate-Perry-Hot-and-Cold predicament, I decided to send a message to that DJ I've told you about. And he answered it very warmly. I know I don't have much of a chance with him, but it's nice to be in contact with people that seem to hold you dearly.

Oh, I decided to post one of his pics, I hope he doesn't mind it. Anyway, I hope he knows I hold him dearly too.

Oh, let me post a new one of mine as well, so that the DJ does not feel alone...

Charlie's back, but still confusing

2009-11-23T04:00:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!

Yesterday was supposed to be a slow Sunday, for John, who lives in a neighboring city, didn't have the energy to come to the the capital. We went to a bar yesterday, were I met his new bf (a darling 23 yo nurse), and stayed for a long while.

Anyway, Sunday, just as I got home from a trip to the mall with my mother and aunt, I got a call from Cybill to meet at the Cafe house. I thought it was just weird, for it's a little too expensive for her, but then she said that it would be just us and Charlie. Oh, OK then, ehehehehe.

After half an hour waiting for service, we decided to go to the same bar I went the night before.

He was very flirty, but still so distant. He didn't sit next to me, but at one time he asked to feel my arm muscles, for he was, according to him, impressed. I let him and flirted back, saying that if he liked my arms, he should feel my thighs. He said he'd already noticed them.

The impression I have is that either he's flirty for the fun of it, or he likes me and is too blocked to act or to drop his defenses...

Week update

2009-11-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

Hello guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while, but this week's been very tiresome! Anyway, I'm in love with the new car, it's a Honda City, and it's great. So beautiful, and attracts so many looks on the street. Just like I like, it, eheheheh!

How are your New Year Eve's plans? I and John are planning on traveling to the one of the top destinations for gay men in my country, an island that has the tradition on reuniting us yearly. It's great fun, and we feel so comfortable there. It's great to be among thousands of others like us.

We won't invite Thy, though, for he's fun, but he can be too competitive. He's the typical "cock-blocker".

Anyway, he told John he's mad at me for not inviting him to have lunch with me and Charlie... Well, I invited Charlie, specifically, to lunch, I didn't know he was with a bunch of friends, including Cybill, that shares an apartment with Ty... He must know that it's not a reason for being mad at someone, but if he wants to be mad at me for no reason, fine by me... I called him today to straighten things up, but he didn't pick the phone or return the call. Well, that's his grudge, I don't have a saying in that, anyway...

Underwear pics

2009-11-17T10:58:00.001-08:00

Oh, I know, the title is too suggesting, but that's the way I like them to be, eheheheh! I just took a few pictures to evaluate my fitness evolution after 8 months of working out so hard, and I decided to share them with you!

The first one is very crude, but for the second, I decided to become a little arty...

Anyway, you have the unique opportunity to see a naked chested guy in CK underwear, good for you! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

My new Honda City!

2009-11-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! I have great news! I just bought myself a car!!! I got me a new Honda City, which is a sedan Honda. Light silver.

It is a little more expensive than I thought I'd spend in a car, but sometimes we have to use the money just to indulge ourselves, right?

I bought it from the same guy that sold my deceased father his Honda Fit. And that was the first car the guy ever sold at Honda (my father wanted to buy it from him, because he worked with the salesman's sister). Great guy, anyway. I felt good purchasing my new car from him, I'm sure it will carry some positive fluids. My mother came along, and I could feel it was good for her too!

PS: when you buy a car at a Honda dealership, you get to play a gong! It's fun! Very loud!

I hate feeling scared

2009-11-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

Today I went out with Charlie and his friends again.

At some alone time, I asked Cybill if she'd had any inside info on his feelings about me. She said that he told her he's "feeling the water" around me. That we are just seeing each other, to see where it leads to.

We had a good time, but I can see he's ambivalent about me. Either he thinks I'm attractive, but not the right fit for him, or he thinks I'm a good boyfriend material, but he's not attracted to me.

Anyway, he acts a little bit too Kate-Perry-Hot-n-Cold for me. And I don't think I have the necessary structure for that right now. I am too scared, I think. The simple thought of investing emotionally on something so feeble frightens me so much!

I think I must be just to scarred from the divorce. I don't want to be, though. It's been 8 months already!

Maybe I should just swallow my fears and jump head first in that. Or maybe it'd be wise to keep my heart protected a little bit longer. I just don't know.

Too bad relationships aren't like pools, and I could try a shallower one first.

Strawberry chocolate cake for my brother's birthday

2009-11-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

My older brother may have his defects, but he's still my brother... And when I saw that his counterpart in the Belly Couple was not interested in preparing anything special for his birthday, after he gave her a diamond ring on hers, I decided that I wouldn't let him feel down at his special day. So I am preparing a party for him.

I already baked a strawberry chocolate cake (he loves strawberries), and I made it really special. I bet it's going to taste fantastic!

Speaking of parties, yesterday I went to a friend's birthday, at a night club. He's a really nice guy, I like him, but he does not live in my city anymore, so we don't see each other frequently.

Oh, he's got the title of Mr. Gay 2009 in my State (too bad he didn't win the nationals, I really hoped he would!) And now that was a nice party! Everyone having lots of fun, chatting, dancing! As he's got that title, the party was actually an event. There were three photographers!!! I felt like a celebrity!!!

Let the games begin!

2009-11-10T15:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I decided to check were would I and Charlie be going. so I texted him: "Do you feel like going out, grabbing a bite?"

And he answered: "Hi... I'm just leaving to go jogging... Soon we can arrange something. Kisses, Charlie"

Later he left a message on orkut.com commenting on the bread.

I think he's ambivalent about pursuing something, but I know that at least I gave "us" a chance to happen. That means I'm not so blocked anymore, and it's a great thing!!!

I was not infatuated, it was not love at first sight, anyway, but we might work (in case he was more interested, which he wasn't)

PS: Ty is extremely excited about it all. In a bad way. He is all over the guy, in an unhealthy competition (I can see by Ty's comments on his Orkut profile). It's not the first time it happens when someone shows interest in me... I do need better friends...

I'm glad I can see that, though (and I told John all about it), so we can be aware of Ty. I mean, he's a fun guy to go out with, he seldom refuses an invitation for anything, but we can't trust him.

PS: the bread was just delicious! The funghi secchi proved to be a great combination to whole wheat home baked bread.

Funghi secchi bread

2009-11-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! I just baked a funghi secchi bread (my recipe, I just invented it, ehehehehhe)! Enjoy the picture!

The weekend just got nicer!

2009-11-09T06:07:00.001-08:00

I, John and Ty went to the dog park with Sony and Cher, Ty's yorkies. It was nice, until it rained. Then it got nicer, eheeheheh.

Ty had brought a friend, Cybill, and she found a friend of her, a nice guy named Charlie. I didn't even pay much attention to him, because I thought, judging a book by the cover (nice dyed blond hair, expensive clothes), that he'd not be interested in me. After John and Ty went for a walk, though, Charlie chatted me up.

After the park, Ty went back home, and the four of us left to grab a snack and, from there John left and I, Cybill and Charlie went to a countryside style open air bar, where we met Charlie's friends.

We talked all night long, had a great time, he told me his whole life and, when we left, he hugged me very, very tenderly. We didn't kiss, though.

I don't know if it's going somewhere, but it was fun.

Nice weekend

2009-11-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was supposed to go with John to a tattoo parlor where he'd had his ear pierced. Due to some schedule change, I wasn't able to, though, for I was at the gym at the time, but everything just went OK.

He is working on a new and improved image of himself, and I'd like to think that I'm part of it, for he looks up to me in some ways, and maybe the way I dress is one of them. Then again, it might still be a reflex of last Saturday fiasco party, and the way people ignored us there.

After he had his ears violated, we went to a mall and he was in a shoe buying frenzy. He seemed to be picking the ones that were a radical change to his usual snickers, maybe something more modern and casual, as I use to wear.

He also bought a T-shirt that was very me.

I'm glad he's working on his image, because when we can improve ourselves, I think we should!

Today we are going out, maybe a park/cafe routine...

Finally it's Saturday!

2009-11-07T02:45:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! I'm sorry I haven't written much these last few days, but I've got some cheap virus and the cough has kept me up at nights, so I was in a zombie-like state during the days.

It wasn't easy... Yesterday a colleague asked about some computer disk, so I told her that she hadn't given it to me yet. I found it later, not only had she given me it, but I had also already inserted it on my computer. Anyway, no harm done, we just laughed about that.

Running/working out, on the other hand, was way harder! I would count the seconds for the tread-mill to stop!

Let me up-to-date you to the past few Adam-news.
- The Belly Couple is relatively calm. They just kept me up one night before the cough did, for they wanted to listen to their TV really loud, no matter my protest.
- I bought my niece a nice new dress, and her parents loved it (I sent them the pic already).
- I've made a few more contacts over the net, some nice guys, but most of them living continents away.
- no sign of Mr. Scent yet.
- Well, at least the virus didn't stop me from working or going to the gym/pool. I'm actually a little tanned!

Fun days with John

2009-11-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

After a traumatic party experience, I and John had to have some cathartic experiences. We spent the next couple of days at a dog park, where we could enjoy some fresh air, pat a few dogs and enjoy the atmosphere. I didn't know that, but the dog park is actually a very gay-alluring place.

It was noticeable that many of the guys there (dog owners or not) were gays. So we would just appreciate their bodies in the sun (I even took the liberty to take my shirt off myself!)

After sunset, we'd go for an ice-cream and some time at the cafe I usually go to.

I even took John to his favorite diner, Burger King!

Anyway, these last few days have been so hot that I just must go to the club's pool after I go to the gym. And today it was such a vision: many shirtless fit guys... Too bad there was still no sign of Mr. Scent, but I'm not in a hurry. The hurry should be his! If he does not appear and someone else decides to sweep me off my feet, what can I do?

Worst party ever

2009-11-02T02:47:00.000-08:00

Ewan's birthday sucked so badly, we were forced to leave! No kidding.

Well, Ewan is not the greatest host ever, and he made a long list of mistakes if you intend your guests to have fun:
- He rented a room at a hip restaurant (probably for a lot of money), and he probably had no reference on the place, so it looked like he was ripped off. I know he paid for drinks, but, for instance, they had only one soft drink to offer. And it wasn't even light/diet (at a gay party). There was no paper-towels in the restroom;
- He invited people for their status, not their liking him, so there were people that didn't even know him;
- The invitees didn't help much either, they were there just to be seen at the event, not to making friends or having fun;
- He bought the food from them as well, so it looked great, but you could tell the ingredients were the cheapest they could get;
- He made no effort on being a good host, as in introducing guests to each other and facilitating the mingling;
- When he was with some guest that he must have thought was important, he would ignore the others, pretending he didn't even knew them.

Anyway, I guess that for him and the kind of guest he actually wanted there, it was a great party. A great showing off opportunity.

For me and John, the simplest creature I know (and yet, probably the one with the most expensive outfit there, and not even caring about it) it sucked badly. Wesley is a little superficial, so even though he was ignored and was having no fun, he didn't want to leave. As I and John couldn't stay anymore, we left, so he chose to leave as well.

We went to a club. Me, John, Wesley and his long face. If he only knew the only reason Ewan invited him was because I insisted!

Anyway, it was cathartic leaving it all behind, at least for me and John.

Gorgeous sunny day!

2009-10-31T12:03:00.001-07:00

My town resembles the one in the twilight series novel, and I guess vampires would have no problem living in here as well, for we don't have many sunny days. Today was the exception, though, and that usually makes me very happy!

I've been to the club where not only I made my thorax, arms and butt exercises, but I also spent some time by the pool, reading "dead until dark" (OK, one too many vampire reference in the same post, but bear with me, it's Halloween!).

Before I got sunburned, I went to the mall to buy Ewan's birthday gift. I bought one of those bags for shampoo and stuff, by CK. And then I bought myself a T-shirt, twice the price and thrice as nice, eheheheh!

Oh, Mark, the manager of the shop helped me personally, as the salesgirl I usually buy from wasn't there. He had a brief thing with Phil before we got together, I don't know why it didn't work out, but it seems to me that today he was a little too enthusiastic about me. Besides (one too many coincidences now), he might go to Ewan's party.

I hope so.

Happy Halloween you guys! I wish you find a good vampire tonight!

New lead on mr. Scent

2009-10-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

Hello, guys! I just got a new lead on mr. Scent, even though I officially (well, only officially) quit the search.

Today John invited me to meet his new bf/fling, Tommy.

We arrived at the restaurant half an hour before John and his lesbian cute friends, so we had the chance to talk a lot, and he seems to be a nice enough guy. I don't think John is interested, because he didn't invite Tommy to Ewan's birthday, tomorrow. I think that's because John expects an exclusive top, and Tommy is not one. Actually, I believe that John has a different approach to guys as I do.

I tend to avoid guys that are not bf material. He goes out and have sex with, well, any guy he meets online, and then, if they are not bf material, he sabotages the relationship until the guy drops out. I'm not sure if any of us has got it right...

Anyway, Tommy asked the name of the perfume, and said that he believes he knows the place where mr. Scent must have bought it. Better yet, he knows the owner, and he's going to ask her if she might know anything of my elusive prey.

Oh, I forgot to tell you! I am not obsessive about finding him, but being in a investigation is actually thrilling! So yesterday I almost got his name, through a ingenious, yet flawed plan...

I talked to the head of the instructors at the gym, which I do often, for he's a great guy and he's got a very scientific mind. So he told that he wanted to implement a psychological test to every new student, to direct him or her to a physical activity that would keep the person interested.

So we talked about many study possibilities and I asked how could we obtain data, so he opened frequency database. My eyes just shone. I was about to find mr. Scent name.

As I would not just pump him for information, I also helped him through many study design possibilities. But then I asked if it would be possible to get the name of the students that went to the gym at... I don't know... what about october 11th? eheheheh

Too bad that data wasn't reachable.

writing an article for a magazine, part III

2009-10-29T17:41:00.001-07:00

Today I had my second article published for that gay magazine site. This time I wrote about crack (freebase cocaine) and how to recover. The article I wrote for the printed magazine is on the way. The edition is to be launched in two weeks.

Today I was back to the justice. Not to the same justice that seems to have turned into a lair, but to other section. I was hired by a patient as technical assistant, and I think I was able to help him through the process. He deserved gain of cause, anyway.

Besides, I had the chance to run into my nurse friend, who was also kicked out of the section I previously worked at. She looked great, for she was happy. I hadn't seen her like that in years. I said her that sometimes we suffer for a loss, but it turns out to be the best thing that could ever happen to us, and it was so true in our cases! We talked for a long while, and things seem to finally be working out for her.

Oh, and she told me that she already knew about my column! I had no idea it'd get famous so soon, eheheheh.

Phil's closure

2009-10-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

At work, everything is running smoothly, although evidence points in the direction of great political upheaval on the way.
The belly couple is just as territorial as ever, and my mother seems to be paying a price for it (hypertension)
I haven't found mr. scent at the gym, even though I ache for someone to hold in my arms.

But I feel OK.

I also felt like I had closure about Phil today. Yesterday I sent him some money he asked for. About US$1,000.00. I don't know if he had any right on that money, but I once said I'd give it to him, so I thought I just should.

He hasn't thanked for it. I just texted him about the deposit and, as texting is not the most reliable communication mean there is, I'm not sure even if he knows I sent him the money already. I should thank him for not thanking me, because it brought back some memories. The strongest one was he shouting at me at Madonna's concert eve, for I was so agitated in bed. Of course I was, I was extremely excited to see her!

I won't tell you now about some great times we had together, or how correctly he acted on other situations, because that's not the point today.

The point is that I'm glad he's out of my life. I don't feel like still trying to cultivate any link between us. And that's closure.

White chocolate yogurt cake recipe

2009-10-26T05:46:00.000-07:00

Hello guys! As promised, here goes the cake recipe for you!

Melt 200g good quality white chocolate with 100g butter in 200ml coconut-milk. Let it cool.

Mix two cups sugar, two cups flower, two tea-spoon baking soda and 200ml natural flavor yogurt. Add the melted chocolate.

Mix in very gently 5 egg whites beaten to stiff peaks.

Bake for 40 minutes in pre-heated medium oven.

For the "icing": open 3 cans of sweetened condensed milk and two full table spoons butter. You might (or not) add coconut, egg yolks, hazelnuts, white-chocolate and/or coconut milk. Stir it on very low fire for a long time, until you can see the bottom of the pan and the cream does not cover it fastly back. Let it cool. Butter your hands and make balls. After ready, sprinkle coconut over it.

You might, as I did, improvise that white picked fence with whatever fancies your taste (check the picture, or the black version)

Cafe house

2009-10-26T05:24:00.000-07:00

After working out for three hours in a role Sunday, I came back home to lunch, but I didn't want the day to be over so soon, so I grabbed a book (Dead until Dark) and went back to the club, to read it by the pool. Even though it wasn't a sunny day, it's a pleasant scenery... Besides, I might run into mr. Perfume Guy.

I actually quit the search. Que será, será...

Later, I was invited to the same old cafe house I usually go, my very own "Central Perk".

Ewan, asked me as he is planning his birthday party, and he needed me to share that with. He wanted to ask me if I had any fancy friends that I might suggest inviting, no matter he never met them.

Ewan is not a good friend, he's never invited me to his house, he does not share his fancy friends (he will never invite them and us to the same occasion), although he loves talking about them. Besides, he's a very insecure person and worry too much about what others might think. He spends thousands of dollars over any party he hosts (never at his house, one might wonder why), even though he came from a very modest upbringing and has to work 12 hours a day to pay for that.

When Phil was leaving, Ewan had already left me 12 text messages with random Madonna song verses... I even offered Phil to take Ewan at the assets division.

Why do I put up with it? Well, when it does not jeopardize his social climbing plans, there's just a very insecure boys that actually enjoys me and my friends.

As I don't get paid for that, though, I try to reduce the common time with him to a minimum as well...

Trip to the mall

2009-10-25T04:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I met John and Ty at the mall. It's not one of the fanciest Saturday afternoon programs you can make, but it's OK, and it would be easier for both of them, as they don't own cars.

Besides, I had the chance to stop by the gym (for the second time of the day), just to check the "smell" (still nothing...).

And the mall was fun. I would never go for it, but a married guy flirted with me. He was gorgeous, and must have noticed we checking him out. The second time we saw him, his wife (gf?) must have been inside some of the stores, and he followed us and made some sexy ice-cream spoon licking. What a cheater! I hope his wife was, at least, having some fun with his credit card!

Well, at night I received a message from that one-night stander i told you about. What I haven't told you is that after the divorce I got a little insecure about sex.

Something inside my head used to say that I must not have been good enough, otherwise, I'd have kept him interested. I know how silly that sounds, but no matter what you do, your brain try to find explanations for the break up. And I guess that it's important for the brain to create explanations on how it was your fault, because when it's your fault, you can try to fix it for the next times.

I am convinced that my fault was the choice I made. The man I chose. But still, what if it was the sex, that annoying voice nags...

Well, when I received the message, the nagger-within said, "he is interested in your sex because you have your own place (well, used to), and it makes sex so much easier". So I was forced to test him. I told him that I live with my family now, just to see if he was interested (even though I wasn't, HE wasn't that good or worth teaching).

To my surprise, he was! Even though - I reaffirm - I understand the silliness of it all, I needed that corroboration. And I'm glad I had.

(no, I didn't go through with it, I wasn't interested)

Ty's birthday

2009-10-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I'm just passing by to leave a pic of Ty's birthday party, Friday. It was actually fun.

He reserved two big tables at a large restaurant and who arrived earlier had the "privilege" of sitting at his table. At one time, the first table was filled, and two other friends arrived and had to sit alone at the other table.

I just didn't think it would be nice of me to just ignore the situation, so I moved to the second table as well, and it was the greatest idea I could have had! The "late arrivers" were twice as much fun as the early ones. I met many new people and laughed all night long!

PS: I don't think you can actually read it, but it was the card I made him. It is a home-made pop-up card that says "love you whore" (which is his loving nickname). Besides I had a chance to say:

- Oh, did I write "whore"? I meant "more"... eheheheh

Just posting the cake!!!

2009-10-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Specially to my friends, I wish someday I can share a cake with you guys! Thanks for all the support, Marie, Jayne, Rad, Catherine...

Well, off to the gym! Wish me luck you guys! Love you!!!

PS: the cake batter is made of white chocolate and coconut, and it's covered in balls of cooked condensed milk...